Out of the Zone

Last week M and I went to counseling and the truth finally hit me... I don't want this pregnancy to become a self fulfilling prophecy ....that M being pregnant would be the end of us.

The honest truth is, it's been hard on us both. I know there are many of you out there have taken turns carrying a child for your family, and I am not sure why this is so hard for us. Then the reality hit- we are both just so far out of our comfort zone.

Growing up M never got a ton of support (not an incredibly functional family), and now being pregnant is the one that needs the care and support - and while I am happy to provide, she can not seem to ask for what she needs. And for me- I am not the best care giver (typically the buck up and deal sort of mantra), but am happy to help when asked to. Together- not the best combination.

What happens in these moments- I retreat into where I am comfortable - taking care of logistics, the day-to-day needs and forsaking much of the emotional. This is where it turns ugly, neglect those nasty emotions for to long and they bubble up to the surface and finally explode into a snotty, tear-filled breakdown with your counselor. It wasn't pretty folks.

The one positive of this past week is that now the issues have been aired, and we are now making progress. Trying to find the words that allow us both to become the experts in what we do know. Coaching the other from the lessons learned previously and trying to celebrate. Trying, cautiously to move outside of frustration and grief.

I never anticipated that I would struggle as much as I have. I keep writing here so that others that share these same experiences know they are not alone in these moments.