Brad

This post is in a series in a blog carnival about donor sperm and all the various ideas that come around it...so settle in for some reading.

M and I have known from the beginning that children were going to be apart of our future. We just were not sure how we would make it work for us. Initially we asked a friend if he would be willing to be our donor. This felt like it might be a viable option for us, but after a few awkward conversations this route ended up not working for us-

We then turned to frozen. After looking at a variety of banks we decided to go with an open identity donor, someone that the kids could contact if they wanted in the future. For us, this felt important. I did not want to take that choice away from them. While I wasn't planning on getting into our selection process here I did want to share one thing we did... it was a Defend Your Donor Dinner with some of our closest friends.

Along this road M and I had chosen our top 6 donors and invited some of our closest friends over for dinner. We then handed everyone a profile and had each person defend their donor. For us it was a way to lighten a odd, stressful situation with an evening, full of wine and laughter. Each individual made up stories about their donor, argued about why we should choose their donor over the other options at the table. We came up with names, persona's - making the process feel a little less impersonal to us. So at the end of the night, we had made our choice...and we called the s.perm bank to welcome 'Brad' into our family.

Today, I struggle with different issues. Primarily at this point looking at the idea of getting in contact with other families that have used the same donor. I believe there are other families out there, but at this point we have not signed up for the don.or registry - I am not sure if I am ready for an 'extended' family. M really does not have a strong view on it, and is willing to leave it up to me at this point. While I have moments of curiosity wondering what parts of my kids come from Brad, and seeing some of those similarities in the faces of others it feels like a lot to forge ahead with these new relationships.

The debate I continue to have about the DSR is if I had decided to go with an open-identity donor so my kids could potential contact this individual in the future - is it my responsibility or duty to do the same with other siblings that might be out there? Is this a relationship they would or would not want to have in the future? The more I think about it, the more my mind starts to spin.

We have talked with our duo about their donor, and how it is his generosity that made our family possible. For us, we celebrate his generosity throughout the year by trying to give of our time through other charities. For us Brad, our donor, had given us a way to talk about generosity and volunteerism and how we should all give to help the dreams of others come into reality.

Keep reading along with other's journey's at...http://inlocoparentis.wordpress.com/

Mediocre Mothering

sigh.

even the title of this post just feels so, disappointing.

I know I am not the only working mother out there, so how do you all do it? How do you manage a career, a family, a partner your children, and a home where you do not feel like you are totally failing at any one given moment? Lately it just feels like life is just one trade-off after another. You decide to go out and exercise, and then your house suffers because you don't have time to sweep.

You attend the extra work meeting but then you miss bed time.

You have a great night at home with your wife and never are able to connect with your sister.

I could go on.

What ends up happening is it feels like everything...it all just becomes mediocre. Like I don't have the time to put any intention or active energy towards it, just the time and energy to react and to respond.

I knew that adding a newborn into the mix was going to be adjustment but I was not prepared for this. Not prepared for feeling inadequate and off balance. Flailing.

There are days that I feel like I have mastered this parenting thing, today is not one of those days.

so how do you do it?

Pitfalls in Parenting

So many posts swirling around in my head, the reality of a newborn and twins is starting to catch up - meaning I barely have time to take care of my own personal needs at the moment. I am trying to figure it out but more to follow soon.

For the time being I was inspired to participate in today's blog carnival about LGBT Parenting.

Let me start with saying - my partner and I have been together for just over 8 years, married for almost 6. We knew from the beginning that kids were apart of our lives together. We saw from early on that our lives together would be filled with loving chaos (suffice to say some days it feels like this chaos is one step away from total mayhem but that is another story) today we have three kids, two cats, one dog and four chickens.

I am not going to say we are experts, there has been some dark days. But I have learned a few lessons along the way...here they are in somewhat of a chronological order:

• Newborn (1-4mo): What the hell did we just do!?!? You learn sleep deprivation really is a tool of torture, that you can function with little sleep, that tears will be shed in joy and in shear frustration and the number one rule to remember...NEVER take anything said while a baby is screaming seriously. I don't know about anyone else, when our babies screamed it was like my logical mind just shut off and I was Pavlov's dog trying anything/everything I could think of to make it stop.
• Intimacy: It will happen again. And at some point it will be good. It may just not be in the beginning. Initially there were parts of my body that were ... off limits...on lease to someone else. M celebrated when I stopped nursing, she gained access again to parts of me she had not had for a while. Additionally, it took some time for us to navigate the new 'landscape' lets say. (I don't know if this is TMI) but post birth what was liked or disliked changed drastically for me. S.ex was still great, but certainly took some experimentation to find what worked for us both. That being said- it takes more creativity now to find the time and mood for us both, but it does come around again.
  
• Identity Crisis: For us it was around 6 mo - 1 year of age. At some point you look around and start thinking...What happened to the life I used to know? Where did my friends go? And what happened to my body?!? This was a challenging point for us both - we were beyond the initial newborn struggles, now came a whole new world of compromise trying to figure out how we would blend this new role of mommy-dome, with the other aspects of our previous lives. In all honestly, I can't say it was always done with grace but we continue (to this day) to find the balance between what feels right for all involved.
• Sleep: It seems ironic to be writing this especially because this time around we have been blessed with a sleeper. But unless you are one of the fortunate who has 'that' baby that sleeps through the night early on - at some point you will be forced to 'do' something that will a. help your baby sleep through the night, b. hope that they are out of your bed, and c. are not awake before 5:30am. For us this was a period of tears, frustration and gentleness with each other as we navigated what worked for us. It was not an easy road...and for a while we felt pretty successful (now at three we have regressed a bit, but I digress).
  
• Getting Out: At some point you will want to go out with just the two of you. If that is for dinner, or if that is for a weekend away - the first time you get out it feels like you have left your left leg behind. Distracted and anxious, it gets easier with passing time. For us the struggle has been to make this time a priority. We go out but then spend the entire time talking household logistics, child management forgetting the true intent for our reason in being there. We now have tried to set ground rules - so that when we are out we have the opportunity to take a step back from the day-to-day and look at the big picture and check in with each other that we are still in agreement and still jointly committed to that path.
  

Along the way in this parenting journey M and I have had to remind ourselves that we chose this path. While we love our children, and we have gotten to be pretty good partners in parenting, we have to really struggle to remember that we are partners in life too. Making time for our relationship outside of being parents is tough but one of the most important gifts we have given to each other. We continue to be gentle with each other, appreciative and kind I think those things with the ability to laugh at each other and ourselves...truly go along way.

While this may not be the post that talks about our journey - I guess I thought about this for those that are TTC and the potential pitfalls along the way. If I had known or had the opportunity to think about some of these things up front ... maybe it could have lessened the stress along the way. There is probably a ton I am missing, or have not thought about but for now...good luck everyone!

Continue reading along this same thought at: http://loveinventsus.blogspot.com/2011/09/queer-parenting-and-ttc-blog-carnival.html