Pitfalls in Parenting

So many posts swirling around in my head, the reality of a newborn and twins is starting to catch up - meaning I barely have time to take care of my own personal needs at the moment. I am trying to figure it out but more to follow soon.

For the time being I was inspired to participate in today's blog carnival about LGBT Parenting.

Let me start with saying - my partner and I have been together for just over 8 years, married for almost 6. We knew from the beginning that kids were apart of our lives together. We saw from early on that our lives together would be filled with loving chaos (suffice to say some days it feels like this chaos is one step away from total mayhem but that is another story) today we have three kids, two cats, one dog and four chickens.

I am not going to say we are experts, there has been some dark days. But I have learned a few lessons along the way...here they are in somewhat of a chronological order:

• Newborn (1-4mo): What the hell did we just do!?!? You learn sleep deprivation really is a tool of torture, that you can function with little sleep, that tears will be shed in joy and in shear frustration and the number one rule to remember...NEVER take anything said while a baby is screaming seriously. I don't know about anyone else, when our babies screamed it was like my logical mind just shut off and I was Pavlov's dog trying anything/everything I could think of to make it stop.
• Intimacy: It will happen again. And at some point it will be good. It may just not be in the beginning. Initially there were parts of my body that were ... off limits...on lease to someone else. M celebrated when I stopped nursing, she gained access again to parts of me she had not had for a while. Additionally, it took some time for us to navigate the new 'landscape' lets say. (I don't know if this is TMI) but post birth what was liked or disliked changed drastically for me. S.ex was still great, but certainly took some experimentation to find what worked for us both. That being said- it takes more creativity now to find the time and mood for us both, but it does come around again.
  
• Identity Crisis: For us it was around 6 mo - 1 year of age. At some point you look around and start thinking...What happened to the life I used to know? Where did my friends go? And what happened to my body?!? This was a challenging point for us both - we were beyond the initial newborn struggles, now came a whole new world of compromise trying to figure out how we would blend this new role of mommy-dome, with the other aspects of our previous lives. In all honestly, I can't say it was always done with grace but we continue (to this day) to find the balance between what feels right for all involved.
• Sleep: It seems ironic to be writing this especially because this time around we have been blessed with a sleeper. But unless you are one of the fortunate who has 'that' baby that sleeps through the night early on - at some point you will be forced to 'do' something that will a. help your baby sleep through the night, b. hope that they are out of your bed, and c. are not awake before 5:30am. For us this was a period of tears, frustration and gentleness with each other as we navigated what worked for us. It was not an easy road...and for a while we felt pretty successful (now at three we have regressed a bit, but I digress).
  
• Getting Out: At some point you will want to go out with just the two of you. If that is for dinner, or if that is for a weekend away - the first time you get out it feels like you have left your left leg behind. Distracted and anxious, it gets easier with passing time. For us the struggle has been to make this time a priority. We go out but then spend the entire time talking household logistics, child management forgetting the true intent for our reason in being there. We now have tried to set ground rules - so that when we are out we have the opportunity to take a step back from the day-to-day and look at the big picture and check in with each other that we are still in agreement and still jointly committed to that path.
  

Along the way in this parenting journey M and I have had to remind ourselves that we chose this path. While we love our children, and we have gotten to be pretty good partners in parenting, we have to really struggle to remember that we are partners in life too. Making time for our relationship outside of being parents is tough but one of the most important gifts we have given to each other. We continue to be gentle with each other, appreciative and kind I think those things with the ability to laugh at each other and ourselves...truly go along way.

While this may not be the post that talks about our journey - I guess I thought about this for those that are TTC and the potential pitfalls along the way. If I had known or had the opportunity to think about some of these things up front ... maybe it could have lessened the stress along the way. There is probably a ton I am missing, or have not thought about but for now...good luck everyone!

Continue reading along this same thought at: http://loveinventsus.blogspot.com/2011/09/queer-parenting-and-ttc-blog-carnival.html