Seeing Double

Recently I have been thinking and remembering about the haze of the newborn days. Trying to remember those first moments and thinking about how this time around might be the same, or different.

Last night I was catching up with a friend and she was talking about how she spent those first 6 weeks in her 'baby bubble'. How sweet that time was, how she would spend hours just nursing and sleeping and holding this new little being.

Don't get me wrong, we did do some of that - but life with twins is very different. VERY different. I didn't have my kids with me until they were a week old, my first weeks were spent in an out of hospitals and doctors appointments, and the lactation center. I lived in a constant heightened sense of awareness - that I didn't or couldn't get all cozy with one little bambino because the second we would drift off, number two would awaken. There were moments of crying, because you physically could not meet everyone's needs in that moment, and it's heart breaking.

Thinking back, I don't think it was until they were closer to 3 months that I could sit back and savor those sweet moments. For me, with two it felt like we had to be more regimented, more scheduled more on top of it...just to survive.

So as I am preparing for the arrival of this new little lady - I am having trouble imaging life with just one. How will it be different? What will we do differently this time - not only because this will be our second time around as parents, but because this time we will have only one infant to contend with.

I want more of that lazy complete newborn period, those moments where you can just sit and stare and soak up each and every moment of this new little person.

Any thoughts about the differences?

One of these things is not like the other

Poor Mr. T.

Poor Mr. T.

Can I tell you how many times I have heard this statement recently? Since finding out we were adding a new little lady to our home this is what most folks have greeted me with.

Poor Mr. T.

Poor Mr. T for being the solo boy in a house full of women.

Sigh, at first I'll admit there was a small apart of me that agreed with them. I did want another little boy (secretly) to help balance things out around the house. But that didn't happen, and you know what, I'm okay about it. Mostly.

When I first found out that I was giving birth to a boy, I did (and still do) worry about how two women are going to raise a confident, loving and secure boy. The ironic part is, Mr. T is ALL boy. Maybe it's all just amplified because I am constantly looking at the genetic differences of boys vs. girl - but Mr. T is all boy. His goal in life is to see how far something can be thrown, what does it sound like when you whack it on the ground and how fast can he run. It's fascinating in itself to watch. But I digress.

I do not think that Mr. T will be worse off for being raised in a house full of women. It is my hope that he will be more aware, in tune with the needs of the various women in his life throughout his life. But if I am being honest, not being a boy myself there are still moments of panic that I must talk myself down from when the testosterone flares and he is rough and loud and (somewhat) destructive. It is my fear that he will not turn into a confident, secure guy, but turn into an angry guy. Angry that he did not have his needs met, angry that he did not have the right role models.

So while I try and let the "Poor Mr. T" comments slide off my back, there is the small nagging voice that they might be right.

Lactation Nation

When I was the bio-mom, one thing I did well - even with my preemies was B-feeding. The beginning was tough, as it is for most of us, but by 6 months we really hit our stride. I as able to exclusively feed my duo until they were 9-10 months, then we had a great b-feeding relationship until they were 18 months when I had to stop due to my own health problems (a story for another day).

I enjoyed b-feeding, it was something I did well. I did not enjoy my relationship with the pump...(I wish I had read about pumping gifts at that time...what a great idea!). The first time around, M did not induce lactation, she had no interest to. In fact, I think the pump really scared her.

So when M got pregnant I automatically starting thinking about how I could support M this time around by b-feeding. Initially we were both excited about the idea, having 4 boobs, one baby. We day dreamed about sleep and being able to alternate care, and I loved the idea of being able to bond with this new little being on that level.

Then as time passed I have begun thinking about logistics of it all, I read this series of post from the ladies at First Time Second Time. I have begun to have some second thoughts.

So here are some of the thoughts I have been having, combination of pros and cons:

• From all the research and reading I have been doing that at best it seem that I will never have a true b-feeding relationship with this bambino, but more of a b-supplementing relationship.
  
• That induction would take an incredible amount of time, resource and patience. While I could swing the later two parts, time is something that we are short on with two three year-olds running around the house.
  
• Part of me worries I might end up resentful - I already get a sense that M wants to pass some of this off to me. While I want to be supportive, this is her journey, and she should have this experience on her own.
  
• Pumping...it's miserable. If I never had to do it again, I would be alright with that.
  
• My duo, adjusting to life with a new baby and having to share that time, attention and energy even more - I want to make sure that we are available to be there for them and that we are both not tethered to the pump.
  
• I would really like to b-feed again, I loved the intimacy and the closeness that it brought to those sweet moments.
• Hormones - is it smart to have two highly hormonal women when I can save T&R from the wrath and be there more to support M?
  

So while there is no clear conclusion here as of yet this is where the thought process has led thus far. I think M is open and willing to go either way on this, I just want to make sure that we make a choice based on the right reasons. That it is something I am not doing just to satisfy my own personal need, but that it is best for the family.

PS- is it weird that even still almost 1.5 years later when I talk about b-feeding I can still feel that 'feeling' inside my own breasts?

Out of the Zone

Last week M and I went to counseling and the truth finally hit me... I don't want this pregnancy to become a self fulfilling prophecy ....that M being pregnant would be the end of us.

The honest truth is, it's been hard on us both. I know there are many of you out there have taken turns carrying a child for your family, and I am not sure why this is so hard for us. Then the reality hit- we are both just so far out of our comfort zone.

Growing up M never got a ton of support (not an incredibly functional family), and now being pregnant is the one that needs the care and support - and while I am happy to provide, she can not seem to ask for what she needs. And for me- I am not the best care giver (typically the buck up and deal sort of mantra), but am happy to help when asked to. Together- not the best combination.

What happens in these moments- I retreat into where I am comfortable - taking care of logistics, the day-to-day needs and forsaking much of the emotional. This is where it turns ugly, neglect those nasty emotions for to long and they bubble up to the surface and finally explode into a snotty, tear-filled breakdown with your counselor. It wasn't pretty folks.

The one positive of this past week is that now the issues have been aired, and we are now making progress. Trying to find the words that allow us both to become the experts in what we do know. Coaching the other from the lessons learned previously and trying to celebrate. Trying, cautiously to move outside of frustration and grief.

I never anticipated that I would struggle as much as I have. I keep writing here so that others that share these same experiences know they are not alone in these moments.