confession

I am a bit of a control freak.

phew - there i said it.

while from the beginning of us talking about another pregnancy I was in awe that M was interested in being the 'bio-mom'. the one that got pregnant. I was i awe of this woman that was able to cross the lines of so many sterotypes. Really, she fits many of the traditional q.ueer labels:

truck: check
PE teacher: Check
Soccer player: check

I know these are just gross generalizations but if you met her - no one anticipates that she would be the one getting pregnant any time soon.

I am in awe of her ability and desire to challenge these sterotypes, both in society and those that she has created for herself. She crosses all boundaries and never ceases to amaze me.

For me, I've always seen myself getting pregnant. I loved my pregnancy. And all of our conversations revolved around me carrying any children we might have. Having to walk in these new shoes - of being the role of supporter rather than the alternative is going to be tough for me. I have been spending lots of time thinking about the uniqueness of role 'mom'. I know I will love this baby. I just wonder how it will be different (if at all) not having this little one come from me. I am going to have to brush up on my caretaking skills.

For all of you out there- how did you handle manage this?

as time flies by

well where have I been? riding the wave of the first winter colds as they make their way through the house. bickering with M about the reality of really being able to make a baby #3 happen financially, finally deciding to inseminate back on October 4&5 and then waiting.

and waiting - and feeling very shut out by M. she decided that her tactic in dealing with this cycle was just to ignore it. ingore everything - just try and not think about it. sounds like a good plan as I sit down and try and write it out, the only problem with it, is being the one on the other side. It was a tough few weeks waiting, and feeling like a bit of an outsider.

then - we got this.


well i guess the answer is here. (yes, it says pregnancy - it's incredibly blurry - sorry)

Luckily we had already schedule a couples retreat away for this past weekend. Honestly, it could not have come at a better time. It gave us a safe time, and the necessary time to speak truly about our feelings about everything. We are both over the moon excited about this new little being coming into our lives - and just trying to deal with the anxieties about all of the logistics.

So I guess we will now be truly riding this wave. And I am hopeful if we make it through all of this together, we are going to be so much stronger individually. But it is already tough being the one on the other side. And M - she is going to have to find some way to deal with all of the attention that the next 9 months are going to bring.