Brad

This post is in a series in a blog carnival about donor sperm and all the various ideas that come around it...so settle in for some reading.

M and I have known from the beginning that children were going to be apart of our future. We just were not sure how we would make it work for us. Initially we asked a friend if he would be willing to be our donor. This felt like it might be a viable option for us, but after a few awkward conversations this route ended up not working for us-

We then turned to frozen. After looking at a variety of banks we decided to go with an open identity donor, someone that the kids could contact if they wanted in the future. For us, this felt important. I did not want to take that choice away from them. While I wasn't planning on getting into our selection process here I did want to share one thing we did... it was a Defend Your Donor Dinner with some of our closest friends.

Along this road M and I had chosen our top 6 donors and invited some of our closest friends over for dinner. We then handed everyone a profile and had each person defend their donor. For us it was a way to lighten a odd, stressful situation with an evening, full of wine and laughter. Each individual made up stories about their donor, argued about why we should choose their donor over the other options at the table. We came up with names, persona's - making the process feel a little less impersonal to us. So at the end of the night, we had made our choice...and we called the s.perm bank to welcome 'Brad' into our family.

Today, I struggle with different issues. Primarily at this point looking at the idea of getting in contact with other families that have used the same donor. I believe there are other families out there, but at this point we have not signed up for the don.or registry - I am not sure if I am ready for an 'extended' family. M really does not have a strong view on it, and is willing to leave it up to me at this point. While I have moments of curiosity wondering what parts of my kids come from Brad, and seeing some of those similarities in the faces of others it feels like a lot to forge ahead with these new relationships.

The debate I continue to have about the DSR is if I had decided to go with an open-identity donor so my kids could potential contact this individual in the future - is it my responsibility or duty to do the same with other siblings that might be out there? Is this a relationship they would or would not want to have in the future? The more I think about it, the more my mind starts to spin.

We have talked with our duo about their donor, and how it is his generosity that made our family possible. For us, we celebrate his generosity throughout the year by trying to give of our time through other charities. For us Brad, our donor, had given us a way to talk about generosity and volunteerism and how we should all give to help the dreams of others come into reality.

Keep reading along with other's journey's at...http://inlocoparentis.wordpress.com/

Mediocre Mothering

sigh.

even the title of this post just feels so, disappointing.

I know I am not the only working mother out there, so how do you all do it? How do you manage a career, a family, a partner your children, and a home where you do not feel like you are totally failing at any one given moment? Lately it just feels like life is just one trade-off after another. You decide to go out and exercise, and then your house suffers because you don't have time to sweep.

You attend the extra work meeting but then you miss bed time.

You have a great night at home with your wife and never are able to connect with your sister.

I could go on.

What ends up happening is it feels like everything...it all just becomes mediocre. Like I don't have the time to put any intention or active energy towards it, just the time and energy to react and to respond.

I knew that adding a newborn into the mix was going to be adjustment but I was not prepared for this. Not prepared for feeling inadequate and off balance. Flailing.

There are days that I feel like I have mastered this parenting thing, today is not one of those days.

so how do you do it?

Pitfalls in Parenting

So many posts swirling around in my head, the reality of a newborn and twins is starting to catch up - meaning I barely have time to take care of my own personal needs at the moment. I am trying to figure it out but more to follow soon.

For the time being I was inspired to participate in today's blog carnival about LGBT Parenting.

Let me start with saying - my partner and I have been together for just over 8 years, married for almost 6. We knew from the beginning that kids were apart of our lives together. We saw from early on that our lives together would be filled with loving chaos (suffice to say some days it feels like this chaos is one step away from total mayhem but that is another story) today we have three kids, two cats, one dog and four chickens.

I am not going to say we are experts, there has been some dark days. But I have learned a few lessons along the way...here they are in somewhat of a chronological order:

• Newborn (1-4mo): What the hell did we just do!?!? You learn sleep deprivation really is a tool of torture, that you can function with little sleep, that tears will be shed in joy and in shear frustration and the number one rule to remember...NEVER take anything said while a baby is screaming seriously. I don't know about anyone else, when our babies screamed it was like my logical mind just shut off and I was Pavlov's dog trying anything/everything I could think of to make it stop.
• Intimacy: It will happen again. And at some point it will be good. It may just not be in the beginning. Initially there were parts of my body that were ... off limits...on lease to someone else. M celebrated when I stopped nursing, she gained access again to parts of me she had not had for a while. Additionally, it took some time for us to navigate the new 'landscape' lets say. (I don't know if this is TMI) but post birth what was liked or disliked changed drastically for me. S.ex was still great, but certainly took some experimentation to find what worked for us both. That being said- it takes more creativity now to find the time and mood for us both, but it does come around again.
  
• Identity Crisis: For us it was around 6 mo - 1 year of age. At some point you look around and start thinking...What happened to the life I used to know? Where did my friends go? And what happened to my body?!? This was a challenging point for us both - we were beyond the initial newborn struggles, now came a whole new world of compromise trying to figure out how we would blend this new role of mommy-dome, with the other aspects of our previous lives. In all honestly, I can't say it was always done with grace but we continue (to this day) to find the balance between what feels right for all involved.
• Sleep: It seems ironic to be writing this especially because this time around we have been blessed with a sleeper. But unless you are one of the fortunate who has 'that' baby that sleeps through the night early on - at some point you will be forced to 'do' something that will a. help your baby sleep through the night, b. hope that they are out of your bed, and c. are not awake before 5:30am. For us this was a period of tears, frustration and gentleness with each other as we navigated what worked for us. It was not an easy road...and for a while we felt pretty successful (now at three we have regressed a bit, but I digress).
  
• Getting Out: At some point you will want to go out with just the two of you. If that is for dinner, or if that is for a weekend away - the first time you get out it feels like you have left your left leg behind. Distracted and anxious, it gets easier with passing time. For us the struggle has been to make this time a priority. We go out but then spend the entire time talking household logistics, child management forgetting the true intent for our reason in being there. We now have tried to set ground rules - so that when we are out we have the opportunity to take a step back from the day-to-day and look at the big picture and check in with each other that we are still in agreement and still jointly committed to that path.
  

Along the way in this parenting journey M and I have had to remind ourselves that we chose this path. While we love our children, and we have gotten to be pretty good partners in parenting, we have to really struggle to remember that we are partners in life too. Making time for our relationship outside of being parents is tough but one of the most important gifts we have given to each other. We continue to be gentle with each other, appreciative and kind I think those things with the ability to laugh at each other and ourselves...truly go along way.

While this may not be the post that talks about our journey - I guess I thought about this for those that are TTC and the potential pitfalls along the way. If I had known or had the opportunity to think about some of these things up front ... maybe it could have lessened the stress along the way. There is probably a ton I am missing, or have not thought about but for now...good luck everyone!

Continue reading along this same thought at: http://loveinventsus.blogspot.com/2011/09/queer-parenting-and-ttc-blog-carnival.html

Birth story

Warning: this is LONG...I have been working on it for a few weeks now, and just wanted to get it up and out before I spend any more time trying to edit it...it's not perfect but it's for all of you to enjoy.

I have been trying to get M to write down her story now for what...oh six weeks... :) I can feel so many of the smaller memories slipping away, I wanted to detail our story at least my portion of the story now before it gets any hazier.

Saturday June 25th was a beautiful day here in town. One of the quintessential beach days. Unfortunately I had to work, it was the last day of a user group at one of my facilities and I wanted to head up to support some new staff in making sure all ran smoothly. I was nervous about going as this would take me out of cell phone range, but M and I had a plan to check in and she was going to be taking the kids to a preschool friends birthday party. So off we all went.

Watching the music performance I all of a sudden had a thought that I should head home, things were under control, I checked in with my staff and started the trek down the mountain. I had brought a list with me of a few other errands I wanted/needed to run and I wanted to make sure I got those done and got home in time to give M a break.

(1pm) Needless to say when I pulled into town I received a slightly anxious call from M stating that her water had just broke.
At the preschool party.
In front of all the parents.
She had to ask the host for a towel, and not one she wanted back. I guess all the other moms sprung into action and helped corral the duo, get the in the car so M could head home and try and get them down for a nap. I was so thankful that I ended up in cell range to receive the call!

I immediately sprung into action and started making calls. Called friends to come take care of the duo, our acupuncturist to help try and get contractions kicked off. M had tested positive for Group B a few weeks back and she was anxious about having to spend any additional time at the hospital that wasn't needed.

By the time I made it home we had just a few minutes to spare before heading over to our acupuncturist. (3pm) The plan was to go through the appointment, go for a walk, and then decide when we would head to the hospital.

Side Story: We went through the same Doctor's office for this pregnancy as we had for mine. First time around we had become friends with my Dr. we'll call her Dr. D. Because of that friendship M didn't want her to be 'her' doctor...didn't want her down in her nether regions. But of course, our doctor is now out of town at a wedding in Canada, and who is on call...Dr. D. Had to chuckle at the irony of it all. M made her promise after giving birth that she would immediately forget everything that she just saw. :-)

6pm - We head off to the hospital. After packing the last things, getting our dear friend over to care for the duo and M is starting to have some smaller contractions we decide it is time to get out so we can get the antibiotics started.

We arrive at the hospital and M is thrilled to find that World Cup games have just begun! What better way to spend your time in the hospital, and first weeks other than watching soccer. Lots and lots of soccer.

We spend the next few hours getting checked in, starting M's antibiotics and walking around the L&D ward trying to get things started. Finally around 10pm we talk with Dr.D and decide to do a dose of cervadil to really get M's cervix ready, and M agrees to a sleeping pill as we all assume that tomorrow will be the big day. Our doula heads home and we get ready for the evening.

Around midnight we try and get some sleep- but as I lay there I just listed to M's breathing quicken and become more focused and labored every few minutes. I get up and some an sit with M through these initial contractions. Things started off rather slowly, but really intensified quickly. By 2am things were rocking and rolling and M's contractions were coming consistently at this point. I put on our playlist and spent the next 6 hours listening to the ocean waves, M's focus on breath and riding the waves of contractions.

M had really thought that she would want to be mobile during birth, not tied to the bed. With the sleeping pill on board, M really was out of it during each contraction break. She would instantly drift off and begin snoring - cute, but kind of humorous at the same time.

Around 3am I called the doula to update her and let her know what was going on. M was hoping for a natural birth and was doing great managing the contractions to this point. I was getting frustrated trying to manage the nurses who kept coming in and talking to M - saying things like "those contractions are really painful" or "it's because you are in so much pain" I was doing my best to continue our affirmations that moving through each contraction would bring us closer to our baby and that each moment was opening her for that moment. Our doula came back in to help me at that point...

The next few hours are a blur, there was puking and moaning and trips to the toilet - around 5:30 M was checked and was somewhere around 6-7 centimeters. Let it be known that I am not a night time person. I needed a moment to close my eyes...M was managing her contractions and seriously sleeping inbetween each one. For the next hour we all sat in quiet - our doula with M and me behind her eyes closed taking a moment of quiet. Finally around 7am M was checked again and was just about fully dilated! We were all in shock as none of us realized that M was going through transition in those moments - looking back I guess I should have guessed based on the energy going inward, and not expressing it outwardly as you are typically told to expect.

Everything in the room shifted gears to get ready for M to start pushing. She had a small lip of cervix that was holding on but with some support and various positions it melted away and it was time to start pushing.

M is an athlete. It had always been assumed that pushing would be something that she would excel at - and she did. Pushing for just under an hour M was able to safely deliver our little lady safely into this world at 8:08 am. In the final moments I had been allowed to 'deliver' my baby- to be the first to lay hands on her and assist her delivery into the world. It was an amazing experience, not one I will soon forget, feeling her warm, wet slippery body helping to pull her from M's body and place her on her chest. Priceless.

Upon arrival Little Miss had some initial difficulty transitioning into this world. Her breathing was raspy, quick and they wanted to take her into the NICU for a brief observation. While this was my worst nightmare on many levels, something I wanted to avoid at all costs - it was appropriate on many levels as I was now in the position of having to shuttle my newborn into the NICU.

Luckily, with a little additional suction we were able to get her sprung from the NICU rather quickly - within an hour we were all together again as a family. Little Miss nursed for the first time, latched like a champ and hasn't let go since. :-)

The next two days were a bit of a haze, feeling gratitude for this new little life for my amazing wife and how phenomenally she did during the delivery. I was/am in awe of her. It's hard to believe that this all happened almost 2 months ago- the days have been a blur - but I wanted to make sure to write down my memories, my experience of the arrival of our new little lady and how she has impacted our lives and our hearts from the moment she entered our world.

Slow your Mind

something that has been heard around our house quite a bit these days is 'slow down your body'. With three year-olds there is so much movement, so much activity and so little awareness of their bodies. It's adorable when you are watching them learn a new skill, not so great when they are around your new newborn.

Our duo is loving having a little sister, they will lay on the floor with her, sing songs and repeat many of the silly things we say to her on a daily basis. It's amazing to watch them love on her, and integrate her into our family.

For me - being the one who is working out of the house right now - it's been a little tough to get in sync with the family and with the baby. Not only am I having to juggle the focus of home life, baby time and work....work has been more than hectic and chaotic as of late. Not. Fun. At. All. I had hoped to be able to take some time off once the little lady arrived, and with the current situation I wasn't really able to take much time off at all.

Currently my days made up of getting up with our duo in the morning so M can get a few more hours of sleep. I get them fed, dressed and ready for the day before I head off to work. While I typically only work until 3 of 4, I then rush home to help with dinner, baby jiggling and any number of other tasks that need to happen to keep the household up and running. In the evenings once the kids are in bed (which seems to be getting later, and later, - note must do something about that) I have a few precious moments to really sit down and soak in my new daughter.

This is where the challenge comes in...I can't seem to slow my mind down. The speed of a newborn is so unique, so special and so different than real life. So I sit. And I try to quite my mind of the countless other things that I feel like I 'should' be doing at that moment. I try and soak in the moment, savor these early days that will not be happening again. But it is HARD. I am a do-er. I feel satisfaction from completing things off my list. There is also a part of me that thinks the best thing I could be doing is getting those things done so M doesn't have to worry about them during the days when I am not around.

Still, I sit. I try and quiet my mind and remind myself that the house can be messy, the dishes might not be done but I had a moment to kiss my daughter's baby fingers and rock her in my arms.

I am going to keep trying. Some days I am more successful than others...but I am going to keep with the mantra: "Slow my mind"

Healing

I was inspired by tbean's post yesterday and it had me thinking about our NICU experience. When we were thinking about adding to our family much of my logic and hoping was to have the opportunity to have a 'normal' birth experience. With the duo, they came a month early and ended up spending 6 days in the NICU. While I feel grateful that even small, they were relatively healthy and were just feeders and growers in the eyes of the great nurses that cared for them the first days of their lives. But we missed many of those initial sweet experiences - I missed holding my daughter the first day of her life, and just spending hours in the beginning just looking at these new little people who have entered into the world.

While we knew that the NICU was going to be apart of our experience I would never wish it one anyone. No one should ever have to leave the hospital without their baby. Leaving with your belly empty, your breasts full and pieces of your heart behind is not something any mother should have to experience. Having to get up, get dressed and function in public in those initial days post-pardem was some of the hardest days I had ever experienced.

Now, three and half years later as I sit here on the couch with my duo while they watch a morning cartoon I am amazed how they have grown and thrived since those initial days.

With the arrival of our newest little lady it has brought some peace to my heart. We had many of those firsts that were taken from us the first time around. Miss. F was with us from the beginning, and she came home with us from the hospital some of the things I missed the most. These experiences have helped to heal our hearts, for me it has also made me realize that I am never going to get those first days back with our duo. (Yes, I know I should have known this quite some time ago, guess it's just the reality setting in). The second time around is different just on it's merit. The sweetness is still there, just different. Now you do not have the ability to sit and stare at this new little being for hours - you have other little people to balance in the equation.

Either way reflecting on it all, it feels calming knowing that our family is now complete. While I still struggle at times with the knowledge that I will not carry another child, I love the family that we have. And I have to believe that my heart will continue to heal and make peace with experiences that have helped to make our family what it is today.

One vs. Two

I think we knew that our infant experience was going to be dramatically different this time around. But I think we were still surprised at where the differences popped up. Really we knew that having one infant was going to be easier, we have visions of being able to pop her into the moby and continue about our regularly scheduled lives and daily activities.

The biggest shock is the constitution of one full-term baby vs. two preemie babies. I tell you it's night a day. I guess I would have anticipated this, but really it has just been so shocking. She came out with a strongest developed sense of reflexes with some chub on her arms and legs, and a desire to suck. The girl has got a strong latch to say the least.

Now today Miss. F is 9 pounds - I think it took R almost 5 months to get to that point!

The challenges with a full-term bambino- while I would never wish the NICU experience on any parent, coming out of there our babies came home with a schedule. We knew when to expect hunger, and could plan on significant sleep between these feeding periods. This time around - it feels like little Miss is in the driver's seat. Working to establish a strong milk supply, and co-sleeping means we are not getting solid periods of sleep. I know this would happen with an infant either way, it still feels a little foreign to us.

While this little lady has captured our hearts and technically we are considered veterans in this category it does feel like we are in un-chartered territory.