Healing

I was inspired by tbean's post yesterday and it had me thinking about our NICU experience. When we were thinking about adding to our family much of my logic and hoping was to have the opportunity to have a 'normal' birth experience. With the duo, they came a month early and ended up spending 6 days in the NICU. While I feel grateful that even small, they were relatively healthy and were just feeders and growers in the eyes of the great nurses that cared for them the first days of their lives. But we missed many of those initial sweet experiences - I missed holding my daughter the first day of her life, and just spending hours in the beginning just looking at these new little people who have entered into the world.

While we knew that the NICU was going to be apart of our experience I would never wish it one anyone. No one should ever have to leave the hospital without their baby. Leaving with your belly empty, your breasts full and pieces of your heart behind is not something any mother should have to experience. Having to get up, get dressed and function in public in those initial days post-pardem was some of the hardest days I had ever experienced.

Now, three and half years later as I sit here on the couch with my duo while they watch a morning cartoon I am amazed how they have grown and thrived since those initial days.

With the arrival of our newest little lady it has brought some peace to my heart. We had many of those firsts that were taken from us the first time around. Miss. F was with us from the beginning, and she came home with us from the hospital some of the things I missed the most. These experiences have helped to heal our hearts, for me it has also made me realize that I am never going to get those first days back with our duo. (Yes, I know I should have known this quite some time ago, guess it's just the reality setting in). The second time around is different just on it's merit. The sweetness is still there, just different. Now you do not have the ability to sit and stare at this new little being for hours - you have other little people to balance in the equation.

Either way reflecting on it all, it feels calming knowing that our family is now complete. While I still struggle at times with the knowledge that I will not carry another child, I love the family that we have. And I have to believe that my heart will continue to heal and make peace with experiences that have helped to make our family what it is today.