gratitude

Yesterday I found out that a dear friend of mine had a miscarriage a few weeks back. Found out since I got a phone call from her husband saying they had to rush her to the ER (some tissue did not pass and had gotten infected) and could i come care for their three year-old.

Then today - another friend of ours who is currently pregnant ran off the the ER with some mid-pregnancy bleeding. M is currently and their house taking care of their duo.

Phew! Both of these have brought back all of my early-pregnancy feelings of being insecure and unsettled about this pregnancy with M. While I still have fear about the day-to-day logistics of managing and affording a third child, I am growing more and more excited about meeting this new little lady. Personally, it is going to be an fascinating exercise in nature vs. nurture - who will she be, what type of baby and how will T & R act as older siblings?

I know that I was lucky- I had always assumed that getting pregnant was going to be the hard part. Once getting pregnant, I never doubted my bodies ability to grow, develop and safely bring forth a new life. Watching my two dear friends deal with these very real fears- is humbling. Today, I am feeling gratitude that even with my insecurities - I believe we will have a healthy baby girl at the end of it all.

I can only sit here and hope that the same outcome is possible for my friends as well.

Showers....

So not only is it raining outside, but lately I have been thinking about a shower for this baby. It's funny during my pregnancy there was a very concerted effort that everything was for 'us'. Both M and I. This was OUR pregnancy - but this time listening to everyone talk - it's M pregnancy. Her first. I'll be honest, my guttural emotional response to this changes daily. People try and include me in the conversation - but no one (including me) is sure about how to navigate the topic. I am not taking it too personally, but there are still moments that it stings.

All of this has brought us to the topic of a shower for M. While everyone talks about wanting to throw us a shower - we are trying to navigate what that will look at. Really folks want to celebrate M and her pregnancy, but M is truly uncomfortable being the center of attention, especially pregnant. So we have been toying with the idea of just having a big BBQ at the local park. Kids, friends and families and come and run around - folks can come and share well wishes - and no one needs to play one clothes pin game. Not sure yet- this is just the current idea we are toying with.

The other question that has surprised me, is people asking if we were going to register again. I am not sure why this shocked me so- I am looking for a website that will allow us to register for 'services' opposed to 'stuff'. Really what I want - is gift certificates for meals, someone to clean my house, we have all the baby gear (minus a few things). Is anyone familiar with a site that will allow us to do this? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

How did other folks deal with showers during a second pregnancy? What about when the other partner carried?

Bag lady

(Sorry about the random post first- somehow blogger posted just the picture, without the text. Random)

So I am not sure about you, but motherhood has turned me into a bit of a bag lady. Seriously. There are days I have 4 or 5 bags when leaving the house. One for each kid, their back pack with all the 'just in case' items, and then my own personal bag. Sheesh, it's a little ridiculous.

So with the arrival of #3, I went on the hunt for a bag that I felt like would allow me to consolidate the number of bags I have to carry on a regular basis. This is what I found.

It's a Timbuk2 bag that you can customize how ever you would like. It's a little big, but sadly I am guessing with diapers, sippy cups and extra clothes- I doubt I will have any difficulty utilizing all of it's space. It even comes with a spot for a water bottle on the inside.

So far. I am in love. There is nothing like a good bag that has the perfect number of pockets in the perfect spot. It's a bit of an obsession of mine.

Happy me.

It's a girl!

Happy to report that she looked great. Have to say that poor Mr.T is going to be severely out numbered around the house now.

'Pop'sicles

I am in a little bit of a quandry. More so, I don't think that I could write a letter to "Dear Abby" about this - so I am putting it out into the cosmos to see other thoughts and opinions about social etiquette in this situation.

We still have s/perm in storage. Initially when I was TTC, I really thought it was going to take forever to get pregnant. I realize I am lucky that getting pregnant did not prove to be that challenging for myself. But at that time, I wanted to ensure we had enough product to get us through for a while. We bought 8 vials.

Well - I got pregnant 1st time, used two vials. We held on to our remaining stock, paying our annual storage fees and such, not really ready to let it go. M then decided she wanted a go -- so off we went again, and we used up 4 of our remaining 6 vials. yup- we still have 2 in storage.

The question is now - what do we do with it?

I have made jokes in the past to friends that I was going to try and put it up on the lesbian black market to sell it, and yesterday I got a phone call from a friend that wanted to talk about it in more detail.

A little back ground, to date we have not signed up for any of the donor sibling registries - when we started our family, it was that - starting our family and we didn't have the interest in the extended family idea at the time. But now- if we have a choice about where these two vials go- it feels a little like we are giving the gift of siblings to someone.

This feel like uncharted territory. I still need to call TSBC and see if it is even possible to release these vials to someone else- but I don't think that would be a problem. I am trying to imagine what are the conditions or conversations points that I want to talk with my friend about. I keep thinking about if I agree with their parenting philosophy - or if that even matters - heck if I put it up on the Donor Sibling Registry - we wouldn't really know ANYTHING about who it went to.

M and I were talking about it last night- and we still have more to go. This is just one aspect of lesbian family planning that I had never considered in the past.

PS- Tuesday is our big ultrasound. Where has the time gone?

little of this...

and a little of that.

I have some random thoughts bouncing around - opposed to trying to make one coherent post, here are some random bullets:
- M is going through puberty. t's pretty hysterical really. Let's just say that M has never needed to wear a bra. ever. Now there are frequent comments of:
"They are touching my stomach!" or "I can feel them move!" or my all time favorite "who knew my n'ipples could turn that color!" It's pretty outstanding.

- People try and come up with all sorts of jokes about me not having to be the pregnant one this time around. Frequently can be over heard - you get to be pregnant and drink during this pregnancy. ha ha ha.

- I think we have finally made progress in trying to choose a doctor vs a midwife. while in theory we are totally supportive of the concept of the midwife, we never found one that we clicked with in our practice. So we are back to square one and going to see a MD that we both really like, and I am not looking into seeing if the doula that was there for the duo's birth can join us again. There is a comfort to me in bringing the good ol' team back together. It worked the first time, right?

- M and I are really working to try and find peace with this pregnancy. it's funny because it has never been about not wanting another baby, or feeling like we didn't have the capacity to love another child. For me, it's about the grief of now knowing I am not going to be carrying another child. There is apart of M that would never want to hurt me, and avoids knowing I am sad about this- at the same time she finally acknowledge that it was a lot for me to give that up. Just that acknowledgement has made a world of space in our lives to try and move beyond it all.

- February 15th is the big Ultra-Sound day. Any thoughts what might be having...?

needs vs wants

This past week I have had a shift.

I am slowly starting to see the other side, experience a shift in perspective. Or maybe it is just starting to let go of my traditional idea of what a child/infant needs to be welcomed into our family.

For a long time I have been feeling stuck - like I am spinning my wheels trying to figure out how I was going to afford to create the best space, the most ideal toys and equipment. I have been feeling a sense of panic about the monetary limitations that we are currently under, and how this might lead to not being able to provide the very best to my kids, and this new being joining my family.

I know, I know...really what a baby needs is love. To hear a heart beat, a clean diaper and some basic clothes. It's amazing how quickly we can all get caught up in the perceived ideas that society can put in our heads about what we 'need'.

Slowly, I am letting these perceptions go. I have been able to create a more realistic idea of how (logistically) we are going to welcome this new being into our family and more importantly how we can let go of those 'shoulds' and really focus more on what really is important.

PS - M felt the baby move for the first time this morning! It's hard to believe time is flying by so quickly ....it's exciting!