sigh

it doesn't do any good for one's body image when you pregnant wife wants to borrow your jeans since they fit her better.

On a more uplifting note- my duo turned 3 this weekend! It is hard to believe that they are already three- two little people running around, telling stories and making me laugh. You can see more on our other family blog here.

Wishing everyone a happy Monday!

As it turns out

After reading this post this morning, I have had a few thoughts swirling around my head.

When we talked about M getting pregnant the joke was that M was going to be a weenie. Typically she doesn't deal well with not feeling well, or things hurting, or any physical ailments really. The other part of it, is I am typically a bad nurse maid. Growing up, my dad was of the camp "you buck up and you deal with it". And while this mantra has gotten me through some tough periods in my life, it typically does not make me the most empathetic person around. Together, these two traits- felt like a very dangerous combination.

Now I feel bad for poor M. She has been truly ill with this pregnancy for the past 7 weeks or so. Every night she has been in bed around 7pm, and dealing with immense n.ausea throughout the day.

I am trying to be supportive, and giving - but it's tough. I am trying not to complain, keep score or just feel burdened but the reality is this is hard. Yes, it is hard in the way you are all probably thinking- most of our day-to-day lives fall on my shoulders currently. But what is hard at the moment is missing the balance that life was. I don't think I realized how needy I typically am, or how much I relied on M to take care of certain things.

More so I miss having a conversation, someone to bounce all these thoughts in my head off of someone. truly, i don't feel like we have been able to have a full conversation for a month. I don't want to be resentful. I want M to have a beautiful pregnancy - and in every way she has been such a trooper. It's a sad realization when you wake up and feel like it is your own flaws and limitations that are bringing you down.

As much as M is hoping that the second trimester will bring some physical relief, I am hoping that soon I get my wife back. Right now this all feels a little lonely.

one step forward two steps back

Lessons I have recently learned.

Teachers in California don't pay into State Disability. Why you ask - that I have no answer for.

M is a teacher. Originally when we realized that her EDD would be the end of June we thought that would be ideal, she would be off during the summer then she could potentially take her paid maternity leave when school started and that could ideally keep her out of work until the end of November, beginning of December.

yeah. not. so much. sigh.

So, since teachers don't pay into State Disability she does not qualify for short term disability, nor does she qualify for Paid Family Leave. Now, teachers do have the option to sign up for and pay for a separate disability policy - but of course now that option is not available to us. We called and they will not cover any 'pre-existing medical conditions' aka. pregnancy at this point.

And the kicker ...now since she is due mid-summer (when is is already off of work) that she is not really going to receive any paid time off. we are trying to figure out if we can afford for her to take the 12 weeks of federal FMLA, and then I think I could qualify for 6 weeks of paid family leave- but financially it is going to be a much different picture than we were originally thinking.

This being an adult thing - sometimes it is hard. No one tells you that you have to read all the fine print.

How Low Can You Go?

i feel like life is a little bit like a limbo act these days. I keep bending further and further back, i have yet to totally slip backwards and land on my bum, but it is bound to happen soon.

i don't want to whine, but at the moment i am certainly feeling like low man on the totem pole. while being pregnant while having two almost three-year olds is exhausting - being the one that is caring for two almost three-year olds, and one increasingly pukey wife - now that is exhausting.

i joke that most evenings everyone in my house is asleep by 7:30pm. tragically, it is not so much of a joke. all tucked in, i am left to the dishes the laundry and try and prepare for the holiday season that is rapidly approaching.

when i do fall into bed, i met with my wife who is dealing with pregnancy insomnia and flips and flops more times than i care to think about throughout the night. morning comes - the day begins - it feels just a little bit like groundhogs day.

i am trying to carry the load, i want M to feel supported and feel like she has the space needed sleep as i had when i was pregnant. but this time around, after i give to my kids, i support my wife - there is not much left. not enough hours in the day.

i am t.i.r.e.d.

wave your hand like you just don't care...

at least it looks that way to me.

this is the ultrasound picture from a few weeks back.

Happy Thanksgiving

This year I feel like I have a lot to be grateful for - and while it's unfortunate that we have to have a holiday to make us reflect on it, I am appreciating the moment for a bit of nostalgia and peace.

This past week we went and saw the midwife for the first time. It was a perspective switch for me, and I think it must have been a switch for M as well. She didn't quite seem to know how to talk to us both. While this is M's first pregnancy, she has been a mom for almost 3 years, and been through a pregnancy before. And while I have been pregnant before, it is my first time not being the one sitting on the table. You could tell that they were trying their best to be inclusive, use the right language, and find a way to validate us both. I appreciate the effort - but it felt a little ... i dunno, forced, lost?

This time around we have more options. Having a single birth vs. a twins birth opens up a world of options for us. Midwives, birthing tubs...who knew! So much this is what I had hoped for the first time around. And while my birth was perfect in that moment, there was a real part of me that was sad at the loss of not having my 'ideal' dream birth experience.

so today, i am feeling grateful for my family. my wife. my two beautiful, healthy children and the very real possibility that we are going to be bringing home a new baby with us come the end of June. (and when I say bring home - i mean that we will not have to leave the hospital without our baby this time)

i look forward to that.

I hope everyone finds something, or someone to be grateful for this year.

Happy news!
As of this morning we have ONE happy healthy heart beat! The wee one is measuring 8w2d with a heartrate of 154bpm. All looked good and the edd is currently 6/29/10.

Phew!