after the negative

the ride of our first cycle continued for a few more days - even after what appeared to be the star of M's cycle. There was that moment, where you could convince yourself that the cycle was lighter than normal, was probably just light spotting that happens to many when they are first pregnant, then you take another HPT and again it turns out negative, and you finally accept what the universe has been trying to tell you. you. are. not. pregnant.

sigh. so after a few moments of feeling a little disappointed and discouraged you pick yourself up and start counting. Counting the days until you inseminate again, and look at the calendar at what event is going to coincide with your insemination schedule this month - it's murphy's law, really it can not happen at a convenient time. really.

next phase includes re-thinking and discussing all the decisions you had previously made. should M be the one getting pregnant, what if we can not get more s.perm, what if the doctor does not do weekend insemination's, what if, what if, what if...really the list goes on. even after all of the conversation last night, i am still not sure how many changes one should make per cycle. what about all of you, do you stick with the same course of action, do you try something new - how much faith do you put in your body vs medicine vs the powers that may be.

unfortunately, i have never been one that typically leaves things up to chance. or at least not comfortably.

sigh- so as of today, we are back on the ride. counting down - trying to regain the momentum and the faith that this cycle, this time, it is going to work.

negatory

So at 12dpo we did our first home test this morning. Not even the faintest of lines. M was saying that she was feeling PMS, not anything super different - but still, the hope had crept in. Feeling a little disappointed this morning.

Still a few more days to hold out to know for sure - but I guess the one silver lining in all of this is at least we can share a bottle of wine for our 5 year anniversary which is coming up.

sigh.

Deja Vu

i vaguely remember the two week wait- but this time it seems like it is taking forever. i am not sure if it is because it is not me, not my body, i do not have any gauge of our things are going. i think M is getting anxious- asking if Monday was too soon to start a HPT - almost 6 days before she should get her period.

for now i am just trying to distract myself, get caught up on the large list of things that need to be accomplished at work - love on my kids.

and trying not to get hopeful - yet.

Brad has launched...

So years back when we were trying to select our s.perm - we had a party. We had narrowed it down to our top six candidates, we invited our closest friends over - handed each of them a bio. And we had the 'defend your donor' dinner.

everyone had to come up with a name, a personality, a story about each of these individuals. why should we pick them, what were their redeeming qualities. it was a good night.

who we ended up choosing was 'brad'. the name has just stuck - we keep threatening if we have another boy, it might just have to be his name. (even if it is awfully 80's of us)

With that - brad has launched.

surprisingly the timing could not have been more perfect. Yesterday mid-day got first positive OPK, did first insem yesterday afternoon. This morning the fertility monitor registered a high, the OPK positive again mid-day- and a second insem this afternoon. Oh, and the doctor said there was 'beautiful' cervical mucus. (TMI?)

While we did try and request just one this time- we are ready - and now waiting to see what may come of this cycle.

TWW here we come!

Challenges of conception

When you think of getting pregnant - what do most people think of. I know in the GLBT world I do try and remind myself that just because we have to use an alternate source to obtain our s.perm, it does not necessarily mean that we are infertile. But really, it is sometimes the most non-sexy thing around.

Some days- it feels like we are fighting an uphill battle. Really - in the hetero world - when do people think about:
- that you would have to try and get pregnant between the hours of 8am - 5pm
- that you could only try and conceive during the work week
- that it would have to cost you in the range of $1,000 per month to try and get pregnant
- That really- both people don't technically need to be present to conceive of said child.

I know- I know- I know there are many people in straight relationships that struggle to get pregnant. I know-

Today, I am having my own pity party and feeling a little discouraged. Not how I want to go into our first insemination today.

On a separate note- why is it Murphy' Law that you are guaranteed to ovulate the same time you have an important work related meeting making you have to come up with some not-so-clever excuse to why you can not be at the ever so important gathering that you had previously promised to be at.

Wish me luck -

start the ball rolling

it's Day 1

- I called the OB/Gyn office and they confirmed we can ship the s.perm directly to their office.
- May be silly- but I found the blessing (brucha) that we said when I got pregnant over three years ago - looking forward to sharing that moment
- nervous that the peak ovulation date would end on a weekend, what do we do then?
- call the bank tomorrow and place the order i think...

once the ball starts rolling - I don't think we can stop it.

two sides of the coin

Earlier this week I had drinks with a friend. Her and her partner and currently in the midst of the IVF process, and her partner carried their twins last time. Two women, whose families are both trying to get pregnant - but on very opposite sides of the 'getting pregnant' card. I've done it already, she has only experienced parenthood from the other side thus far-

It was an interesting conversation, i think therapeutic on many levels for us both. Giving us a chance to ask those questions that seem to be taboo to most:
- Do you fear loving a child more or less that came from your own body?

- Fear being able to be as successful being pregnant as your partner previously (twins vs. a singleton pregnancy - may seem irrelevant to some, I guess not as much when you are in the situation)

- feelings about being birth mom vs. non-birth mom - who get's to make decisions, how do you bond?

In all - a good conversation and really opened my eyes, or at least reminded me that there are two sides to every coin. For as sad as I am on some level about not carrying a baby this time around, I want to be excited for my partner. I want her to have the same support, the same experience that I did.

To add insult - I am ovulating right now myself. Maybe this makes it all the more fresh - but why am I so aware of my body now that I am not trying to get pregnant? Sheesh.