Day 1 and 2

So I tried to post day 1 a number of times yesterday from my Droid...didn't want to work. sigh. So here we go.

Where I blog- I work from home most days - so this is what I get to see. I have dueling computers (one work, one personal) and you can see it is not too tidy. Just last year we re-did our office space so I am still loving the blue walls - so much better than the wood paneling that was there before.

Working from home it it's own unique challenge - we have someone that comes in house to take take of the kiddos' - and most days they understand that when the office door is shut that Mama T is working. Granted, the door is glass- they can see in. there are a number of times I turn around and see two little faces staring at me - makes me smile every time.

In terms of day 2 - my high school self. I was a self appointed girl sc0ut nerd. I never really loved high school - but I did run track, play in the band (xylophone yo!) but never really felt like I fit in much. but then I came out about 2 weeks post graduation, so that would probably explain it.

If you talked to most folks the thing they would remember about me in HS was my hair. While it was cutting edge at the time, oh boy do I catch flack for it now. While this picture is not me- it is what my hair looked like for the better part of the 90's. sigh...it's where my nick name Mushroom came from. Can you guess why?

tick, tick, tick...

Yes, that's the sound of time ticking by....quickly. The radio silence is only recently occurred as I am in the slight panic of "I could have a new baby arriving in the next 30 days and I better get my tush in gear and get ready" moment.

Lots of thoughts, lots of thoughts to share - will share more soon.

Female Transformation

There are many words out there for the body types, and stereotypes that are often used to describe the various fractions of the LGBTQ world. Butch, femme, queer, etc, etc, etc. I will be honest that in the past I had not paid a ton of attention, to me it felt like two women loving and living together. I never felt like my life was the Gay Agenda that the republicans were fighting against.

But with M being pregnant it's been strange. It seems that M's pregnancy has really challenged many. See, I guess you would say that in many ways that M is the more 'butch' one in our relationship. She is certainly athletic and if nothing else has never had the body frame that one would describe as feminine. I would say that the majority of individuals in her life never assumed that she would want, or would successfully carry a pregnancy to term.

Now pregnancy is a uniquely, intensely feminine process. M has never has large bre@sts, and now with pregnancy has gone through puberty to the point that she has had to purchase her 1st bra. I had to laugh at her udder discomfort with this fact, seriously many a nights of her lamenting "they are touching things! how do you deal with this" she says to her partner who is easily a DD.

While I loved M's body previously I find myself fascinated with this new aspect of her physical being. How strangely feminine it is, and how surprising it is to me - that even after all this time there are new discoveries to be made. The new curves, growing space and sensitivities. For someone who never thought she would be going down this road - it really has suited her well. But while any partner must sit back at times and marvel at the amazing changes that take place, I find this one uniquely profound. For someone that lived in the female body before but never would have been described as feminine. It has been a challenge to love this new phase, and the new physical form that my long time love currently has.

Nesting

A friend of mine was teasing me the other day ... when most people nest they clean behind their stove, us well we are building a chicken coop.

Sigh currently we are trying to work our way through a 'to-do' list of epic proportions. I think the main difference between pregnancy #1 and pregnancy #2 is that the second time around the baby stuff feels like more more thing you are trying to cross off your list, it does not have the same sweetness that it did the first time round. Don't get me wrong, those itty bitty clothes...they are too much. But this time around, we are on a mad dash to get things done.

This time around we are all too aware of how little time we are going to have when the little lady arrives. We had a list of projects we hoped to have done, things that would be required, things that we just wanted to do.

So while we are looking forward to our little lady's arrival - we are frantically trying to:

• Get our dishwasher installed! (Woo Hoo!)
  
• Build two new raised beds in our new garden
• Build a Chicken Coop for four new hens to come and live with us
• Complete the painting and mudding for our new mini-mud room
• finish painting in our bathroom
• get the toddler bed back into a crib (that means we have to talk our daughter out of sleeping in it, and sleeping in her big bed)
• wash, sort and package all the baby clothes
• make some meals for the freezer

Phew! Those are just the 'big' things we are trying to do. I know, I know - why a garden and chickens...well for us it just feels like it completes the picture of the big, happy chaos we imagined our lives to be. Neither of us know a ton about gardening, but have always wanted to grow our own food ....so we are going to give it a shot! I'll keep you all posted.

Maybe the baby will arrive just so we can catch our breath! Back to hanging chicken wire now...

Impasse

We have begun the conversation around our house about what is going to happen to our duo when M goes into labor. We are currently at a bit of an impasse. While M can not tell me much at this point about her vision of a 'birth plan' (I use quotes because I believe this is just a guideline more than anything) but one thing she does say is that she wants to labor at home as long as possible.

The current debate is about where our kiddos are going to go. I am not sure why, but seriously every. single. time. i try and talk about it I end up in a puddle of weepy mess on the floor. For me, I feel like this is going to be a huge transition that is going to rock their world. I want them to feel secure in their surroundings and not feel like they are being shipped off.

For me, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that even after the birth the reality is I will have to float between my two families. I hope that all goes smoothly and M can come home a day later. But what happens if she is in the hospital for an extended time? I can not imagine being away from the kiddos for that whole time, then where does that leave me?

On top of it, I am not sure who to ask. We have a friends that would be willing to potentially take our kids for a day but any more than that we kind of run out of options...again, the thought of all of this is making me weep. sigh.

I know we'll figure it out but at the moment it feels like a really large hurdle.

Off to dry the eyes before I start work again...

Phew!

Today is 30 weeks.

30 weeks- holy crap the time is flying. It's funny, while I know that there is still quite a bit of time to go, the fact that our duo arrived at 35 weeks has me thinking that we only have 5 weeks left. I hope this is not the reality...but still messes with your head a bit.

With that panic I went in to hyper drive this past week. M has the week off due to spring break and I took the time off to get things done around the house.

We put up a chicken coop, got our garden ready to plant and installed our new dishwasher. Additionally, I sorted out the garage and all the bins of clothing, washed bottles and even found a package of size 1 diapers. While there is still quite a bit to do - I am feeling a little less panic at the moment.

Back to crossing more things off my list...

Recycling Emotions

Sorry for the radio silence, with the arrival of the third trimester a small edge of panic has descended upon the house. Um, yeah - there is a baby coming soon if you had not heard. We have lists stacked on top of lists of things that need to be accomplished, we want to accomplish, and a very short plan of how we are going to afford it all. (But that's another story all together).

With the arrival of the third trimester M has started also starring down the reality that pregnancy ends with a birth. Sincerely, I think there was quite sometime that she took the approach of just sticking her fingers in her ears and shouting LA LA LA LA trying to ignore this fact. But now it is weighing on her mind i.e. our minds more.

More and more I find myself thinking about my birth experience. Having twins I knew my options were limited, and honestly the birth itself was empowering and positive. But my duo was born at 35 weeks, they were small and in the NICU for a week. I didn't get to bring them home with me from the hospital, they did not get to room with us while we were at the birthing ward, I actually did not get to hold my daughter until the next day.

Many of these factors were reasons why I wanted to carry a child again. I wanted to have a so called ' normal' experience. While I know there are no guarantees, my hope was that there might be some healing going through the birth experience again physically. While M is faced with the reality that she has to give birth, my sadness has resurfaced over the idea that I will never get to 'do over' bringing my duo into the world.

I am excited to meet this little baby, I can not wait to hold her in my arms and soak in the newborn-ness all over again. I look forward to having our family together from the time she enters the world.

But all of that makes me a little sad, a little envious and a little nostalgic for the experienced I had once dreamed for myself.