little of this...

and a little of that.

I have some random thoughts bouncing around - opposed to trying to make one coherent post, here are some random bullets:
- M is going through puberty. t's pretty hysterical really. Let's just say that M has never needed to wear a bra. ever. Now there are frequent comments of:
"They are touching my stomach!" or "I can feel them move!" or my all time favorite "who knew my n'ipples could turn that color!" It's pretty outstanding.

- People try and come up with all sorts of jokes about me not having to be the pregnant one this time around. Frequently can be over heard - you get to be pregnant and drink during this pregnancy. ha ha ha.

- I think we have finally made progress in trying to choose a doctor vs a midwife. while in theory we are totally supportive of the concept of the midwife, we never found one that we clicked with in our practice. So we are back to square one and going to see a MD that we both really like, and I am not looking into seeing if the doula that was there for the duo's birth can join us again. There is a comfort to me in bringing the good ol' team back together. It worked the first time, right?

- M and I are really working to try and find peace with this pregnancy. it's funny because it has never been about not wanting another baby, or feeling like we didn't have the capacity to love another child. For me, it's about the grief of now knowing I am not going to be carrying another child. There is apart of M that would never want to hurt me, and avoids knowing I am sad about this- at the same time she finally acknowledge that it was a lot for me to give that up. Just that acknowledgement has made a world of space in our lives to try and move beyond it all.

- February 15th is the big Ultra-Sound day. Any thoughts what might be having...?

needs vs wants

This past week I have had a shift.

I am slowly starting to see the other side, experience a shift in perspective. Or maybe it is just starting to let go of my traditional idea of what a child/infant needs to be welcomed into our family.

For a long time I have been feeling stuck - like I am spinning my wheels trying to figure out how I was going to afford to create the best space, the most ideal toys and equipment. I have been feeling a sense of panic about the monetary limitations that we are currently under, and how this might lead to not being able to provide the very best to my kids, and this new being joining my family.

I know, I know...really what a baby needs is love. To hear a heart beat, a clean diaper and some basic clothes. It's amazing how quickly we can all get caught up in the perceived ideas that society can put in our heads about what we 'need'.

Slowly, I am letting these perceptions go. I have been able to create a more realistic idea of how (logistically) we are going to welcome this new being into our family and more importantly how we can let go of those 'shoulds' and really focus more on what really is important.

PS - M felt the baby move for the first time this morning! It's hard to believe time is flying by so quickly ....it's exciting!

What's a girl to wear?

M has a belly. It's really quite adorable.

A friend of mine brought a huge bag full of maternity clothing over this past weekend for M to look and pick through. I really had to feel bad for M, really what's a b.utch to do?

I had forgotten how so much of maternity fashion is based on rouching, and gathering and pleats, skirts and other more feminine wear. While we both had a good laugh last night while M was trying things on (some of those things were just ridiculous!) It made me feel a little loss for her. What does she get to wear?

Even now, most of her everyday t-shirts are getting to short and are not able to cover her belly without riding up. Pants - not so bad. Being a PE teacher she gets to wear sweats and yoga pants most days, and with the bag o'goodies from this weekend she has some other options for her to wear.

Oh but the tops... off to go look for some other options that are fashionable, and that don't have sequens on them.

Acceptance

I was inspired by reading this post about the one little word project. It made me think about the idea of resolutions, the absolute fear that comes over me once one has been made, and the lack of will power about implementing something of that nature.

But looking at the big picture... i like that. I like the idea that one little word can transform how we view ourselves and the world around us. So I sat with the idea, and tried to come up with what would be that word for me.

Acceptance.

The second it came into my head, it rang true with my heart.

Acceptance.

Courage to accept my body, my mind my soul. Accept the good the bad the ugly about who I am, who M is and the beauty of us as a couple. Accept my life, and all of the challenges and excitement it brings. Accept all that I bring to this world, and all that I have to offer - and the ability to accept help when it is offered or provided.

So while this is my first step. I am going to declare my intention and put it out there for all of you in the great cyber-space to help hold me to it.

Acceptance.

Looking for tips...

So I am thinking about trying to help with the Breastfeeding with this little one arrives in June. M and I have talked about it, she is totally on board with the idea!

So while I still owe everyone a real post - I am curious how many folks out there have successfully induced lactation? I am starting to do some research, but curious what protocols other folks have successfully used?

Thanks for the help in advance!

sigh

it doesn't do any good for one's body image when you pregnant wife wants to borrow your jeans since they fit her better.

On a more uplifting note- my duo turned 3 this weekend! It is hard to believe that they are already three- two little people running around, telling stories and making me laugh. You can see more on our other family blog here.

Wishing everyone a happy Monday!

As it turns out

After reading this post this morning, I have had a few thoughts swirling around my head.

When we talked about M getting pregnant the joke was that M was going to be a weenie. Typically she doesn't deal well with not feeling well, or things hurting, or any physical ailments really. The other part of it, is I am typically a bad nurse maid. Growing up, my dad was of the camp "you buck up and you deal with it". And while this mantra has gotten me through some tough periods in my life, it typically does not make me the most empathetic person around. Together, these two traits- felt like a very dangerous combination.

Now I feel bad for poor M. She has been truly ill with this pregnancy for the past 7 weeks or so. Every night she has been in bed around 7pm, and dealing with immense n.ausea throughout the day.

I am trying to be supportive, and giving - but it's tough. I am trying not to complain, keep score or just feel burdened but the reality is this is hard. Yes, it is hard in the way you are all probably thinking- most of our day-to-day lives fall on my shoulders currently. But what is hard at the moment is missing the balance that life was. I don't think I realized how needy I typically am, or how much I relied on M to take care of certain things.

More so I miss having a conversation, someone to bounce all these thoughts in my head off of someone. truly, i don't feel like we have been able to have a full conversation for a month. I don't want to be resentful. I want M to have a beautiful pregnancy - and in every way she has been such a trooper. It's a sad realization when you wake up and feel like it is your own flaws and limitations that are bringing you down.

As much as M is hoping that the second trimester will bring some physical relief, I am hoping that soon I get my wife back. Right now this all feels a little lonely.