How Low Can You Go?

i feel like life is a little bit like a limbo act these days. I keep bending further and further back, i have yet to totally slip backwards and land on my bum, but it is bound to happen soon.

i don't want to whine, but at the moment i am certainly feeling like low man on the totem pole. while being pregnant while having two almost three-year olds is exhausting - being the one that is caring for two almost three-year olds, and one increasingly pukey wife - now that is exhausting.

i joke that most evenings everyone in my house is asleep by 7:30pm. tragically, it is not so much of a joke. all tucked in, i am left to the dishes the laundry and try and prepare for the holiday season that is rapidly approaching.

when i do fall into bed, i met with my wife who is dealing with pregnancy insomnia and flips and flops more times than i care to think about throughout the night. morning comes - the day begins - it feels just a little bit like groundhogs day.

i am trying to carry the load, i want M to feel supported and feel like she has the space needed sleep as i had when i was pregnant. but this time around, after i give to my kids, i support my wife - there is not much left. not enough hours in the day.

i am t.i.r.e.d.

wave your hand like you just don't care...

at least it looks that way to me.

this is the ultrasound picture from a few weeks back.

Happy Thanksgiving

This year I feel like I have a lot to be grateful for - and while it's unfortunate that we have to have a holiday to make us reflect on it, I am appreciating the moment for a bit of nostalgia and peace.

This past week we went and saw the midwife for the first time. It was a perspective switch for me, and I think it must have been a switch for M as well. She didn't quite seem to know how to talk to us both. While this is M's first pregnancy, she has been a mom for almost 3 years, and been through a pregnancy before. And while I have been pregnant before, it is my first time not being the one sitting on the table. You could tell that they were trying their best to be inclusive, use the right language, and find a way to validate us both. I appreciate the effort - but it felt a little ... i dunno, forced, lost?

This time around we have more options. Having a single birth vs. a twins birth opens up a world of options for us. Midwives, birthing tubs...who knew! So much this is what I had hoped for the first time around. And while my birth was perfect in that moment, there was a real part of me that was sad at the loss of not having my 'ideal' dream birth experience.

so today, i am feeling grateful for my family. my wife. my two beautiful, healthy children and the very real possibility that we are going to be bringing home a new baby with us come the end of June. (and when I say bring home - i mean that we will not have to leave the hospital without our baby this time)

i look forward to that.

I hope everyone finds something, or someone to be grateful for this year.

Happy news!
As of this morning we have ONE happy healthy heart beat! The wee one is measuring 8w2d with a heartrate of 154bpm. All looked good and the edd is currently 6/29/10.

Phew!

The Waiting Place

This time around -

When I was carrying the first few weeks felt like a whirlwind of activity. I was exhausted, I was adjusting to this new feeling. But this time I wish it felt like I was doing...something.

This time, Dr. Seuss seems to be my guide. "Oh the places you will go" have guided me along my life's path, and today I feel like I am sitting in the waiting place.

Waiting for a bus to come or a train to go
for a brain to form and arm buds to grow
waiting for time to pass a belly to expand
the doctor to validate that we have officially entered this land.

I could keep going, but for now I am just waiting...

I am trying to hold off. Waiting to make lists and start the planning process. Waiting to tell the world, and waiting to figure out what our next steps need to be.

Our first doctor's appointment is Thursday. 8am is the ultrasound and then 3pm we see the midwife.

I think the main anxiety at this point - the joke that everyone keeps throwing at us - what if it is twins again? Now I know many would consider this presumptuous of me, there are many just wanting a baby. But see, we had always planed on two pregnancies. But I think we just assumed that there would be two babies resulting from two pregnancies. While life has already changed those outcomes, and there would be no reason for us to expect twins again. The reality is there was no reason for us to expect twins the first time. So while everyone means their comments in jest, it is weighing heavy on me.

I am ready to stop waiting and see one, healthy heartbeat on Thursday.

8th grade math flashbacks

You decide to buy a two bedroom house. You then have two adults and two children living in said house. You decide to add one more baby - where would this child sleep?

OR

here is the real question -

In all my readings prior to conception I was under the assumption that doing an IUI in the doctor's office did not increase one's chance to conceive twins. Then last night a friend of mine mentioned she had read somewhere that this was not necessarily true.

Does anyone have any information on this? I'm searching Dr.Google but can't find any conclusive information.

Circle Game

"And the seasons they go round and round and the painted ponies go up and down. We're captives on a carousel of time. We can't return, we can only look behind from where we came and go round and round and round on the circle game."

Life works in funny ways. Why does it always seem that while you are preparing to welcome a new life into your heart, one then leaves. Up until last week M was one of the few people I know, of our age, that still had all of her grandparents. Then recently M lost her paternal grandmother. She was 93 and lost a quick battle with cancer. Then her maternal grandfather was just recently put into hospice for cancer as well.

It's not fair- with all of these pregnancy hormones raging through her body - she is certainly having a rough time with it all.