confession

I am a bit of a control freak.

phew - there i said it.

while from the beginning of us talking about another pregnancy I was in awe that M was interested in being the 'bio-mom'. the one that got pregnant. I was i awe of this woman that was able to cross the lines of so many sterotypes. Really, she fits many of the traditional q.ueer labels:

truck: check
PE teacher: Check
Soccer player: check

I know these are just gross generalizations but if you met her - no one anticipates that she would be the one getting pregnant any time soon.

I am in awe of her ability and desire to challenge these sterotypes, both in society and those that she has created for herself. She crosses all boundaries and never ceases to amaze me.

For me, I've always seen myself getting pregnant. I loved my pregnancy. And all of our conversations revolved around me carrying any children we might have. Having to walk in these new shoes - of being the role of supporter rather than the alternative is going to be tough for me. I have been spending lots of time thinking about the uniqueness of role 'mom'. I know I will love this baby. I just wonder how it will be different (if at all) not having this little one come from me. I am going to have to brush up on my caretaking skills.

For all of you out there- how did you handle manage this?

as time flies by

well where have I been? riding the wave of the first winter colds as they make their way through the house. bickering with M about the reality of really being able to make a baby #3 happen financially, finally deciding to inseminate back on October 4&5 and then waiting.

and waiting - and feeling very shut out by M. she decided that her tactic in dealing with this cycle was just to ignore it. ingore everything - just try and not think about it. sounds like a good plan as I sit down and try and write it out, the only problem with it, is being the one on the other side. It was a tough few weeks waiting, and feeling like a bit of an outsider.

then - we got this.


well i guess the answer is here. (yes, it says pregnancy - it's incredibly blurry - sorry)

Luckily we had already schedule a couples retreat away for this past weekend. Honestly, it could not have come at a better time. It gave us a safe time, and the necessary time to speak truly about our feelings about everything. We are both over the moon excited about this new little being coming into our lives - and just trying to deal with the anxieties about all of the logistics.

So I guess we will now be truly riding this wave. And I am hopeful if we make it through all of this together, we are going to be so much stronger individually. But it is already tough being the one on the other side. And M - she is going to have to find some way to deal with all of the attention that the next 9 months are going to bring.

after the negative

the ride of our first cycle continued for a few more days - even after what appeared to be the star of M's cycle. There was that moment, where you could convince yourself that the cycle was lighter than normal, was probably just light spotting that happens to many when they are first pregnant, then you take another HPT and again it turns out negative, and you finally accept what the universe has been trying to tell you. you. are. not. pregnant.

sigh. so after a few moments of feeling a little disappointed and discouraged you pick yourself up and start counting. Counting the days until you inseminate again, and look at the calendar at what event is going to coincide with your insemination schedule this month - it's murphy's law, really it can not happen at a convenient time. really.

next phase includes re-thinking and discussing all the decisions you had previously made. should M be the one getting pregnant, what if we can not get more s.perm, what if the doctor does not do weekend insemination's, what if, what if, what if...really the list goes on. even after all of the conversation last night, i am still not sure how many changes one should make per cycle. what about all of you, do you stick with the same course of action, do you try something new - how much faith do you put in your body vs medicine vs the powers that may be.

unfortunately, i have never been one that typically leaves things up to chance. or at least not comfortably.

sigh- so as of today, we are back on the ride. counting down - trying to regain the momentum and the faith that this cycle, this time, it is going to work.

negatory

So at 12dpo we did our first home test this morning. Not even the faintest of lines. M was saying that she was feeling PMS, not anything super different - but still, the hope had crept in. Feeling a little disappointed this morning.

Still a few more days to hold out to know for sure - but I guess the one silver lining in all of this is at least we can share a bottle of wine for our 5 year anniversary which is coming up.

sigh.

Deja Vu

i vaguely remember the two week wait- but this time it seems like it is taking forever. i am not sure if it is because it is not me, not my body, i do not have any gauge of our things are going. i think M is getting anxious- asking if Monday was too soon to start a HPT - almost 6 days before she should get her period.

for now i am just trying to distract myself, get caught up on the large list of things that need to be accomplished at work - love on my kids.

and trying not to get hopeful - yet.

Brad has launched...

So years back when we were trying to select our s.perm - we had a party. We had narrowed it down to our top six candidates, we invited our closest friends over - handed each of them a bio. And we had the 'defend your donor' dinner.

everyone had to come up with a name, a personality, a story about each of these individuals. why should we pick them, what were their redeeming qualities. it was a good night.

who we ended up choosing was 'brad'. the name has just stuck - we keep threatening if we have another boy, it might just have to be his name. (even if it is awfully 80's of us)

With that - brad has launched.

surprisingly the timing could not have been more perfect. Yesterday mid-day got first positive OPK, did first insem yesterday afternoon. This morning the fertility monitor registered a high, the OPK positive again mid-day- and a second insem this afternoon. Oh, and the doctor said there was 'beautiful' cervical mucus. (TMI?)

While we did try and request just one this time- we are ready - and now waiting to see what may come of this cycle.

TWW here we come!

Challenges of conception

When you think of getting pregnant - what do most people think of. I know in the GLBT world I do try and remind myself that just because we have to use an alternate source to obtain our s.perm, it does not necessarily mean that we are infertile. But really, it is sometimes the most non-sexy thing around.

Some days- it feels like we are fighting an uphill battle. Really - in the hetero world - when do people think about:
- that you would have to try and get pregnant between the hours of 8am - 5pm
- that you could only try and conceive during the work week
- that it would have to cost you in the range of $1,000 per month to try and get pregnant
- That really- both people don't technically need to be present to conceive of said child.

I know- I know- I know there are many people in straight relationships that struggle to get pregnant. I know-

Today, I am having my own pity party and feeling a little discouraged. Not how I want to go into our first insemination today.

On a separate note- why is it Murphy' Law that you are guaranteed to ovulate the same time you have an important work related meeting making you have to come up with some not-so-clever excuse to why you can not be at the ever so important gathering that you had previously promised to be at.

Wish me luck -