The uninmaginable

Recently my son's best friend, and one of the four- year old boys in his preschool was recently diagnosed with this childhood cancer.

I am in shock, I am numb - I am in awe that this would happen to such an awesome spirited child. It seems unreal, I can only imagine having to parent your child while making such life altering decisions such as how much lung tissue to remove, and when to start chemotherapy.

While I am grieving and angered that this would happen to this family, to any family, currently I am at a true loss at how to talk to my son about this. At four you are not supposed to have to grapple with the complexities of life and death. At four you are supposed to play spiders, dinosaurs and batman and run until you can no longer breath and laugh until you have tears streaming down your face.

How do you explain to your four year old that death is something that happens to people other than the elderly?

Lately, I have been struggling with Mr.T. My loving boy has become filled with rage and the emotional outbursts that come from him on a daily basis leaves me raw and frazzled. I find myself mumbling such cliche's such as 'being at my whits end' ...then there are these moments. Moments that snap you back into gratitude. Gratitude for health, and for the simple pleasures of life - so tonight after indulging my kids in watching a Friday Night Movie of Curi0us Ge0rge with all of their favorite foods I picked them up and held them tight. I held them and tried to soak them in and breath in their youth, their vitality and their spirit.

I feel like I am keeping some of my emotion at bay - that to truly allow it to come over me would be too much. The idea that any parent would have to face these issues at such a young age, is more than I can truly comprehend.

New Normal

Did you hear the sound of that speeding train.... it's the sound of my life.

Phew, some days it feels like it is tough for me to keep a firm grasp on what is happening all around me.

This weekend our baby turns five months old. She is fully of smiles, laughter and is 14 pounds of solid swishy baby chub. She is working hard at trying to roll over and teething like a full set of teeth should be arriving any day now.

Our duo is a month away from turning four. I find myself trying to savor these last moments- the last moments as before my eyes they are no longer toddlers, they are kids - running at full-speed towards becoming big-kids. With this change as come a whole host of other emotional and physical changes in their worlds. They have big ideas, large imaginations, grand ideas and even larger emotional outbursts to match it all. Phew. Trying to keep up with them, and positively manage their behaviors so we all don't end up in a weepy pile at the end of the day is a full-time job.

Speaking of full-time jobs - M returned to work. Luckily two weeks in it doesn't feel as awful as I had imagined it to be. I am savoring the opportunity to take some Paid Family Leave with our little one and am giddy with the opportunity to have a few days where it is just the two of us. Me and one baby. WHAT?!? One baby - it's crazy. For me - I am relishing in the freedom and appreciating the decadence of pouring my energy into that one being and loving on her as much as possible in the sweetness of the moment. That being said - M going back to work has been a transition for us all. It takes military grade planning and precision to get us all dressed, prepared and out the door in time to make it to our appropriate places of education, employment and development. But slowly, each day we find our way through getting more confidence and more accustomed to this, our new normal.

With this new normal, I am trying to bring more appreciation and gratitude. So Happy Thanksgiving everyone - enjoy the season and all the loved ones around.

Ridiculous!

Kim K@rdashian can get married and divorced within a span of 72 days....but as a lesbian family we can't get married, have to adopt our own children and lack many of the financial benefits that our hetero friends do?

Ridiculous I say.

Monster In Laws

This post has been rattling around in my head for a while. I keep writing it, then re-writing it trying to find a way to make it sound less whiny, less angry. I have yet to really succeed. So hang in there with me.

Sorry for the radio silence recently- we have been inundated with M's family recently. M is going back to work next week (which is a post in itself) so everyone has decided that now is the time to come and descend upon us before the looming word deadline.

Now don't get me wrong - I love family. I come from a large extended family and am used to the obligations and expectations that families can place on you. It' s just M's family...they are just a piece of work. Seriously - you look at M and wonder how did she come from these people. How is she so happy, healthy and functional?!? I don't have a good answer, and after the most recent visits the question still weigh's heavily on my mind.

M's father and his wife have not been to visit us since the twins were weeks old. M has officially had my last name for over 5 years, but do they acknowledge this... no. Do they still send birthday and holiday checks to her maiden name...yes. Have them mistaken M's best friend for me ...oh, yes.

jeeze.

Don't get my started about her mom's side. I have never felt more invisible. The people are amazing - they make statements like "M you now have a daughter" and forget to even acknowledge that I am a functional part of this family as well.

I try to let it roll off my back. I really try not to take it personally, and I try not to get too wound up about it, because really what good is it going to do me? I have spent more times than I care to imagine keeping my cool, biting my tongue trying to not say something that I am going to regret later. But this is starting to cause stress and strain between M and I. I understand it is her family, her mother, her father and she doesn't feel like she can just walk away from them. I understand that but it is incredibly frustrating to just stand here and watch and they belittle our family. Belittle me - treat my children with anything less than respect and love then you'll have to face my mama bear wrath.

I think bottom line it is amazing to me that people can still behave this way. It kills me that they put M in this position, and it infuriates me that they think that they can treat me this way - and that I have yet to actually say anything to them. Dreaming of the day, of the moment where I can really tell them what I think....

Until then.... I will just keep biting my tongue and 'smiling and nodding' when I am forced to interact with them all.

But for tonight - I am going to have a glass of wine with my sweetie and celebrate our little family and enjoy having our home back to ourselves.

Other?

So here in CA we have the ability to take six weeks of Paid Family Leave to stay home and care for a loved one or bond with a new child. I am going to be starting my leave here shortly and have been slowly sorting through the paperwork and bureaucratic paperwork necessary to make the leave happen.

Here is where I am stuck -
B3. Child named in B8 is my

• Biological Child
• Step child
• Foster Child
• Adopted Child
• Other

Really. Is our relationship classified by other? The adoption won't be final by the time I start leave but I could technically claim that....

how ridiculous.

Disappointment

This weeks Blog Carnival topic has to do with Disappointment.

I originally thought quite a bit about this topic, would I write about how I feel disappointed in my ability to successfully parent (my almost 4 year old can bring me to a pile of frustration like no other), or do I write about my frustration with the change in my relationship with M (not holy bad, but challenging) but instead what fills my head is my disappointment around not getting to be pregnant again.

I have talked about it here before. When M decided she wanted to be pregnant I wanted to holy support her in that. Every woman should have that experience if she wants and can have it. But by going down that path with M, it means that I would not be getting pregnant again. My head was filled with all the 'should of' statements I could handle. I wish I had relished in my pregnancy more, I wished I had sat and held the feeling of that little person (or people) inside a little more dear to me. I wish...

I also knew by supporting M that we were signing up for the most difficult period in our relationship. M's pregnancy had taken us both out of our comfort zones, the roles we both typically fill. And while I find her courage to take this path beautiful - it is also incredibly frustrating. M went inside for 9 months, became quite. For some as myself who has to talk, has to process I was left feeling very alone. While now post-pregnancy I am getting my partner back, I see her again and it is wonderful to feel my love return. That time was hard - wanting to be supportive, yet holding a space for my own sadness, my own disappointment that it was not my experience.

Today, it is hard. I struggle to let all this disappointment go and not hold it against my newborn daughter or my partner. I struggle when my baby cries and I can not give her what she needs, a functional milk producing breast. I try and relish the little moments with her, where she is not hungry or crying and just wanting to be pacified until the b-feeding mom can come and sooth her.

I can say I know this is just a moment. Just a instance in time and that years from now we will look back and be stronger for it. Today, the waves of sadness and disappointment are fewer and farther between - but when the waves come I just try and ride each one as they present themselves. I try and be kind to myself, and know that this disappointment will be replaced with new adventures, a complete family and hopfully lots and lots of grand adventures in the future.

Rocky road

Recently in my life I have a rash of couples, all who got married and had kids around the same time as M and myself, who have broken up. Gotten divorce. Ended their relationships.

This has really got me thinking.

I know there are two sides to every story and that there is probably so much more going on beyond the scenes that I don't know, don't see to why their respective relationships failed. At the same time I am trying to puzzle out how do we avoid the same pit falls?

While I am not sure if I have any answers I have been reeeling lately with the overwhelming sensation of vulnerability. Having kids, especially young kids I feel so dependent upon M. That we are a team, I couldn't imagine doing all of this without her. That being said, it also feels like this is as tough as it gets. Barring any major life events (death, jobs, moving...etc) having young kids - it's tough. Having enough time, energy or stamina to manage kids, jobs, life and at the end of the day have time for your partner - it's hard.

While I feel bad for the kids when a marriage falls apart, there is a part of me that wants to scream "This is not the time to be making these types of decisions! Get a full night sleep, get laid and then take an objective look at it again". I am not foolish enough to believe it is truly that simple, but I have to believe that not everyone around me is falling apart.

This weekend M and I celebrated six years. Six years of being married. And while we celebrated with a baby who slept through the night (seriously 8pm - 6am! Woot!) I find myself hold her tightly, appreciating who she is, celebrating how well we work together and realizing that some that other 'stuff' that I get so riled up about, may not really be all that important.

What's important is remembering that I want, need and hope we are together to do it all together.