Disappointment

This weeks Blog Carnival topic has to do with Disappointment.

I originally thought quite a bit about this topic, would I write about how I feel disappointed in my ability to successfully parent (my almost 4 year old can bring me to a pile of frustration like no other), or do I write about my frustration with the change in my relationship with M (not holy bad, but challenging) but instead what fills my head is my disappointment around not getting to be pregnant again.

I have talked about it here before. When M decided she wanted to be pregnant I wanted to holy support her in that. Every woman should have that experience if she wants and can have it. But by going down that path with M, it means that I would not be getting pregnant again. My head was filled with all the 'should of' statements I could handle. I wish I had relished in my pregnancy more, I wished I had sat and held the feeling of that little person (or people) inside a little more dear to me. I wish...

I also knew by supporting M that we were signing up for the most difficult period in our relationship. M's pregnancy had taken us both out of our comfort zones, the roles we both typically fill. And while I find her courage to take this path beautiful - it is also incredibly frustrating. M went inside for 9 months, became quite. For some as myself who has to talk, has to process I was left feeling very alone. While now post-pregnancy I am getting my partner back, I see her again and it is wonderful to feel my love return. That time was hard - wanting to be supportive, yet holding a space for my own sadness, my own disappointment that it was not my experience.

Today, it is hard. I struggle to let all this disappointment go and not hold it against my newborn daughter or my partner. I struggle when my baby cries and I can not give her what she needs, a functional milk producing breast. I try and relish the little moments with her, where she is not hungry or crying and just wanting to be pacified until the b-feeding mom can come and sooth her.

I can say I know this is just a moment. Just a instance in time and that years from now we will look back and be stronger for it. Today, the waves of sadness and disappointment are fewer and farther between - but when the waves come I just try and ride each one as they present themselves. I try and be kind to myself, and know that this disappointment will be replaced with new adventures, a complete family and hopfully lots and lots of grand adventures in the future.