Deja Vu

i vaguely remember the two week wait- but this time it seems like it is taking forever. i am not sure if it is because it is not me, not my body, i do not have any gauge of our things are going. i think M is getting anxious- asking if Monday was too soon to start a HPT - almost 6 days before she should get her period.

for now i am just trying to distract myself, get caught up on the large list of things that need to be accomplished at work - love on my kids.

and trying not to get hopeful - yet.

Brad has launched...

So years back when we were trying to select our s.perm - we had a party. We had narrowed it down to our top six candidates, we invited our closest friends over - handed each of them a bio. And we had the 'defend your donor' dinner.

everyone had to come up with a name, a personality, a story about each of these individuals. why should we pick them, what were their redeeming qualities. it was a good night.

who we ended up choosing was 'brad'. the name has just stuck - we keep threatening if we have another boy, it might just have to be his name. (even if it is awfully 80's of us)

With that - brad has launched.

surprisingly the timing could not have been more perfect. Yesterday mid-day got first positive OPK, did first insem yesterday afternoon. This morning the fertility monitor registered a high, the OPK positive again mid-day- and a second insem this afternoon. Oh, and the doctor said there was 'beautiful' cervical mucus. (TMI?)

While we did try and request just one this time- we are ready - and now waiting to see what may come of this cycle.

TWW here we come!

Challenges of conception

When you think of getting pregnant - what do most people think of. I know in the GLBT world I do try and remind myself that just because we have to use an alternate source to obtain our s.perm, it does not necessarily mean that we are infertile. But really, it is sometimes the most non-sexy thing around.

Some days- it feels like we are fighting an uphill battle. Really - in the hetero world - when do people think about:
- that you would have to try and get pregnant between the hours of 8am - 5pm
- that you could only try and conceive during the work week
- that it would have to cost you in the range of $1,000 per month to try and get pregnant
- That really- both people don't technically need to be present to conceive of said child.

I know- I know- I know there are many people in straight relationships that struggle to get pregnant. I know-

Today, I am having my own pity party and feeling a little discouraged. Not how I want to go into our first insemination today.

On a separate note- why is it Murphy' Law that you are guaranteed to ovulate the same time you have an important work related meeting making you have to come up with some not-so-clever excuse to why you can not be at the ever so important gathering that you had previously promised to be at.

Wish me luck -

start the ball rolling

it's Day 1

- I called the OB/Gyn office and they confirmed we can ship the s.perm directly to their office.
- May be silly- but I found the blessing (brucha) that we said when I got pregnant over three years ago - looking forward to sharing that moment
- nervous that the peak ovulation date would end on a weekend, what do we do then?
- call the bank tomorrow and place the order i think...

once the ball starts rolling - I don't think we can stop it.

two sides of the coin

Earlier this week I had drinks with a friend. Her and her partner and currently in the midst of the IVF process, and her partner carried their twins last time. Two women, whose families are both trying to get pregnant - but on very opposite sides of the 'getting pregnant' card. I've done it already, she has only experienced parenthood from the other side thus far-

It was an interesting conversation, i think therapeutic on many levels for us both. Giving us a chance to ask those questions that seem to be taboo to most:
- Do you fear loving a child more or less that came from your own body?

- Fear being able to be as successful being pregnant as your partner previously (twins vs. a singleton pregnancy - may seem irrelevant to some, I guess not as much when you are in the situation)

- feelings about being birth mom vs. non-birth mom - who get's to make decisions, how do you bond?

In all - a good conversation and really opened my eyes, or at least reminded me that there are two sides to every coin. For as sad as I am on some level about not carrying a baby this time around, I want to be excited for my partner. I want her to have the same support, the same experience that I did.

To add insult - I am ovulating right now myself. Maybe this makes it all the more fresh - but why am I so aware of my body now that I am not trying to get pregnant? Sheesh.

The moms are alright

I've been reading lots of people's thoughts about this movie. Have you seen it?




Having a family that has a 'known' donor it was interesting to watch, and maybe acknowledge somewhere in the back of my head that this scenario might happen in my future. I know - the cliche of one of them ending up with a guy was annoying - I think what rang true to me about this film was the idea of the pendulum.

In my life- something new comes in, it's new, it's different - it's sexy. You dive in, you want to experience - all of it - and then something happens, reality sets in - something that knocks the newness out, and all of a sudden the pendulum swings the other way. You are disenchanted with everything - and you hide.

I guess what I had hoped - or what I do hope for in my own story- that somewhere we are able to find an equilibrium. I have to acknowledge that my kids might want to meet their genetic other half one day. Will it hurt- maybe. But hopefully, eventually it will lead us to a new 'normal' where we can all be seen.

Second time around -

So we think M is ovulating- looking at the picture it would appear that way but we are still waiting for the temp shift to be sure. M has an VERY short cycle so we began testing on day 8, and this was from day 9 - we'll just wait another day or two to be sure.

I think the plan is to use this as a test cycle and then gear up to give this all a try next month.



It's funny going through this all again - yours eyes are open. You know some of the ups, you expect some of the downs but it's still amazing the different challenges that come along the way.

There was a moment yesterday that I could almost appreciate that it is not going to be me having to physically go through this pregnancy. Two and half years later it feels like I am just getting my body back, and post-preggie was hard on me. So I am trying to sit back and feel a little grateful - that I get to watch my wife share in the experience this time. Not to say that I am a little envious- I liked being pregnant - but feeling a little a peace with watching her enjoy her own experience.