I Won't Grow Up

The past few days my son has been telling me each day that he doesn't want to grow up.  When asked further about this his response was always he liked where he was now, he liked what he could do.  I'll be honest, I didn't give it too much thought.

Until tonight.

Eating dinner he started again - talking about how he didn't want to grow up, he wanted to stay this size forever.  But tonight the conversation changed.  He followed up the statement with he didn't want to be like Grandpa, he didn't want to be old.  His voice then got very quiet and you could see the concern spread across his face.  I asked him why he didn't want to be like Grandpa and his response, "I don't want to die".

And my heart sank.

As I stood up and crossed across the room to give him a hug, alligator tears started spilling from his eyes as the worry consumed. him.  My mind began to race, I tried to think about all the things I could, I should I wanted to convey to him in that moment.  Nothing seemed quite right.

I thought about trying to offer up that you don't need to worry about death until you get older.  My partner's grandmother died two years ago and at that time we offered that as explanation of death, it seemed age appropriate at the time. You are either very old, or very sick to have death come knocking.  Then the thought of my four year old sons best friend fighting a rare lung cancer and how he's not even remotely old enough to have to be dealing with illness or death. I didn't want to feed him some cliche about it being about age, when there are accidents every day that cut so many lives too short.

I thought of my own mother who passed almost ten years ago (where did the time go?!?) and how I have talked about her with my kids on a regular basis.  I have talked to them about how while the physical form is not here, I hope she comes to visit them in their dreams.  Is this what is creeping him out about the concept of death?

Then the morbid part of me kicked in...is this fear coming from some unsaid knowledge, is something going to happen to me, to him?

All of these thoughts flooded my mind. They ping pong'd around inside my brain as I held my sobbing four-year old son on my lap.  These thoughts are too big, they are too much for even my brain to wrap themselves around most days.  I can't even imagine trying to make sense of them for him. 

While I felt powerless of how to help him in that moment, all I could come up with to say was that I loved him.  That both of his moms are here to do everything in our power to protect him.  To keep him safe, to help him grow to be strong, to be healthy to be powerful and that we would always be there.  This was the biggest truth I had to offer.  I guess my belief that in this life, and in the next I will always be tied to him - loving him and protecting him. I will hold him in my arms or watch him grow from afar...and while I can not offer any more certainties that that...that is what I had to offer.