letting go

When I first became a parent I hear stories of friends lost. That somehow in the mix of becoming a parent, juggling an infant and being incredibly sleep deprived - we are supposed to find a way to juggle friendships and a resemblance of a pre-infant life. I heard stories from parents of not being able to connect with your friends without kids - that you would find a whole new circle.

I was surprised the first time around. Honestly, I patted myself on the back on a number of occasions - I thought "look at us, we are doing it - being parents, raising kids and keeping our friends!". If I am honest, it wasn't easy - it isn't easy. Especially this time around.

This time around - welcoming our third child into our home life never slowed down. One day you we were parenting two, the next day we were parenting three. I never really felt the baby-bliss bubble that was so important, so sweet the first time around ever really existed the second time. There were toddlers in the house that needed to eat, needed to play and needed their mommies attention. With that- this time there has been some causalities.

Today almost 7 months later ( how is she almost 7 months already?!?!) I am sitting here pondering the questions of when do you just let go. Stop feeling guilty, stop forcing a connection that isn't there, and stop spending what little precious free time one has with someone that does not sympathize or empathize with the struggles of my day-to-day existence? I realize that to some - that letting go may just go unsaid. But like many lesbi@ns I like to talk - I need to process- I am hoping that there can be some joint consensus in this decision, but truthfully maybe I am just wishful thinking.

I love my friends - and I am sad that this one particular friendship might need to take a hiatus. I am not willing to say that it is over - I am hopeful that one day in the future we will find a new platform to reconnect. One day she will be able to understand the struggles, the lack of time, lack of availability and the dramatic reorganization of ones priorities. But for now - I am feeling heavy knowing that the connection that once came with ease - now feels weighted, and just a bit forced. While we are both still important people in each other's lives - the reality is - and as cliche as it sounds - in two different places.

Sigh.

One Little Word

I can't say I am much for resolutions.

This past year has been filled with highs and lows and with the start of the new year- I was reminded of this project. A few fellow bloggers and talked about their experience, and this especially it got me thinking.

The difference being it's not so much of a resolution, as an intention - filling your conscious and unconscious mind to help make change in your daily life. I have been working on trying to find a word to resonate with me for 2012 - I'll be honest I've struggled a bit.

I've toyed with some options - but I think the word that suits me is:

Intention.

I want to bring my presence and my intention back into my daily life. I want to spend time dreaming of the future, and creating a vision for where and what I want life to hold, and I want to act with intention with all people in my life. My wife, my kids and even with the people I work with - I want to give them my best. I want to have the intention that I am enough, and that I am confident enough and assured enough...truly I guess I am enough. But bringing the act of conscious thought and action into my life - not allowing the daily buzz to get the best of me.

Intention - I will bring more into my life and how I treat myself, and how I present myself in my relationships. I will not plead chaos- but choose to fully embrace each moment.

So while I am working on a post to summarize the holiday chaos- for now I am going to full my days with intentional thoughts, actions and relationships.

Here's to a rewarding, loving and great 2012.