When I first became a parent I hear stories of friends lost. That somehow in the mix of becoming a parent, juggling an infant and being incredibly sleep deprived - we are supposed to find a way to juggle friendships and a resemblance of a pre-infant life. I heard stories from parents of not being able to connect with your friends without kids - that you would find a whole new circle.
I was surprised the first time around. Honestly, I patted myself on the back on a number of occasions - I thought "look at us, we are doing it - being parents, raising kids and keeping our friends!". If I am honest, it wasn't easy - it isn't easy. Especially this time around.
This time around - welcoming our third child into our home life never slowed down. One day you we were parenting two, the next day we were parenting three. I never really felt the baby-bliss bubble that was so important, so sweet the first time around ever really existed the second time. There were toddlers in the house that needed to eat, needed to play and needed their mommies attention. With that- this time there has been some causalities.
Today almost 7 months later ( how is she almost 7 months already?!?!) I am sitting here pondering the questions of when do you just let go. Stop feeling guilty, stop forcing a connection that isn't there, and stop spending what little precious free time one has with someone that does not sympathize or empathize with the struggles of my day-to-day existence? I realize that to some - that letting go may just go unsaid. But like many lesbi@ns I like to talk - I need to process- I am hoping that there can be some joint consensus in this decision, but truthfully maybe I am just wishful thinking.
I love my friends - and I am sad that this one particular friendship might need to take a hiatus. I am not willing to say that it is over - I am hopeful that one day in the future we will find a new platform to reconnect. One day she will be able to understand the struggles, the lack of time, lack of availability and the dramatic reorganization of ones priorities. But for now - I am feeling heavy knowing that the connection that once came with ease - now feels weighted, and just a bit forced. While we are both still important people in each other's lives - the reality is - and as cliche as it sounds - in two different places.
Sigh.
I feel you. I have always been jealous of friends who have these childless friends who adopt their children as their own. Liken to god children if you will. They ADORE these kids. SPOIL the shit out of them. support every pre school graduation, dance concert, new tooth.
ReplyDeleteI am in awe of them. We were not lucky enough to have that.
In a way I'm sad. but really....I don't have a lot in common with those childless friends. Their animals are still their "babies" and they get aggravated when dismiss the furry baby we used to love like a child, to tend to a screaming human child. "poor dog" whatever.
We can't go out all of the time. We don't have the money that we once had. And honestly...even if we could...most of the time we're too damn tired.
ugh.
It's ok though. I've seen people come out of this as their children grow out of the needy toddler years.
We also have this opportunity to connect with people in our same situation.
Sorry to be a chatter box on your comments.
Good luck !
It's definitely harder now than it was before, but I think we've made a pretty conscious effort to stay in touch with those childless friends whom we really like. Usually it's at the expense of getting a sitter and making our 'date night' a 'friends night,' but that's fine with us. It's much easier in warmer months when we can meet our friends at a park or something, let our little guy run around and we attempt to focus on adult conversation (ha). But that's just with our one. I imagine it's harder when you have more who are running in different directions ;) We also like to have our friends over in the evening after he's gone to bed.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard. I know of a few that I still 'see' on FB, but that's it! I can't load the kids in a car and go visit them--even in Jersey which seems pretty close by--and so if I can't get there by walking or subway with elevator access, I don't.
ReplyDeleteSometimes a friend will come over during nap time and we'll hang out. Or they will come and hang out with the kids.
There have been a few times someone comes over after the boys are in bed and we order in or just talk.
Amazingly, the closest friend I have--a single mom of two--is the one who understands least! She has joint custody with her ex so has 'days' and 'some weekends' off, plus grandparents to babysit for free anytime and nearby.
When I get around to 7:30 at night, I'm usually too tired to want to talk to anyone and have too much to do myself.
I haven't balanced this well myself with my 'old' friends but thankfully have made quite a few new mom friends here in my neighborhood and have more in common with these women now.