One Little Word

I can't say I am much for resolutions.

This past year has been filled with highs and lows and with the start of the new year- I was reminded of this project. A few fellow bloggers and talked about their experience, and this especially it got me thinking.

The difference being it's not so much of a resolution, as an intention - filling your conscious and unconscious mind to help make change in your daily life. I have been working on trying to find a word to resonate with me for 2012 - I'll be honest I've struggled a bit.

I've toyed with some options - but I think the word that suits me is:

Intention.

I want to bring my presence and my intention back into my daily life. I want to spend time dreaming of the future, and creating a vision for where and what I want life to hold, and I want to act with intention with all people in my life. My wife, my kids and even with the people I work with - I want to give them my best. I want to have the intention that I am enough, and that I am confident enough and assured enough...truly I guess I am enough. But bringing the act of conscious thought and action into my life - not allowing the daily buzz to get the best of me.

Intention - I will bring more into my life and how I treat myself, and how I present myself in my relationships. I will not plead chaos- but choose to fully embrace each moment.

So while I am working on a post to summarize the holiday chaos- for now I am going to full my days with intentional thoughts, actions and relationships.

Here's to a rewarding, loving and great 2012.

Adoption Day!

Sorry for the radio silence- we have been having some technical difficulties at home lately, and we are just working to get our home computer back up and running so we can download all the pictures from our camera.  So any great shots to share with everyone - but for the time being here is one shot from Freya's adoption on Friday.

A few weeks back we received word that the original time of our hearing had been moved from 11am - to 8:30am.  Yikes!  While I knew we would make it, I was a little fuzzy about how we were going to get everyone up, dressed, and out the door and 20 minutes away - by 8:30...but we made it.  And then the judge was an hour late.

Luckily, once she arrived- she was great.  Thrilled for our family, kind and present for this moment.  After signing papers and such - she had me stand and make the following pledge:

I solemnly swear
to treat Freya
In all respects as my natural child
I am prepared to accept
This gift of a child to raise
I will share my life with her
Help to mold her mind
Nurture her body
And enrich her spirit

I will never betray her trust
Dampen her hopes or
Discourage her dreams

I will be patient and kind
I make this commitment willingly
I will cherish Freya
All the days of my life

(Based upon prayer in Guide my Feet by Marian Wright Edelman)

I don't know if there was a dry eye in the house.  While the day comes with mixed feelings (thrilled that here in California we have the ability, but annoyed that I even had to do this) making this pledge, saying these words filled me with reverence at the commitment we all make when we become parents.  I hope everyone reminds themselves, with these words - how precious these lives are.

Following our court date - we were off for brunch and some time at the bounce house.  All n' all - a great morning. 

More pictures soon... promise.

The uninmaginable

Recently my son's best friend, and one of the four- year old boys in his preschool was recently diagnosed with this childhood cancer.

I am in shock, I am numb - I am in awe that this would happen to such an awesome spirited child. It seems unreal, I can only imagine having to parent your child while making such life altering decisions such as how much lung tissue to remove, and when to start chemotherapy.

While I am grieving and angered that this would happen to this family, to any family, currently I am at a true loss at how to talk to my son about this. At four you are not supposed to have to grapple with the complexities of life and death. At four you are supposed to play spiders, dinosaurs and batman and run until you can no longer breath and laugh until you have tears streaming down your face.

How do you explain to your four year old that death is something that happens to people other than the elderly?

Lately, I have been struggling with Mr.T. My loving boy has become filled with rage and the emotional outbursts that come from him on a daily basis leaves me raw and frazzled. I find myself mumbling such cliche's such as 'being at my whits end' ...then there are these moments. Moments that snap you back into gratitude. Gratitude for health, and for the simple pleasures of life - so tonight after indulging my kids in watching a Friday Night Movie of Curi0us Ge0rge with all of their favorite foods I picked them up and held them tight. I held them and tried to soak them in and breath in their youth, their vitality and their spirit.

I feel like I am keeping some of my emotion at bay - that to truly allow it to come over me would be too much. The idea that any parent would have to face these issues at such a young age, is more than I can truly comprehend.

New Normal

Did you hear the sound of that speeding train.... it's the sound of my life.

Phew, some days it feels like it is tough for me to keep a firm grasp on what is happening all around me.

This weekend our baby turns five months old. She is fully of smiles, laughter and is 14 pounds of solid swishy baby chub. She is working hard at trying to roll over and teething like a full set of teeth should be arriving any day now.

Our duo is a month away from turning four. I find myself trying to savor these last moments- the last moments as before my eyes they are no longer toddlers, they are kids - running at full-speed towards becoming big-kids. With this change as come a whole host of other emotional and physical changes in their worlds. They have big ideas, large imaginations, grand ideas and even larger emotional outbursts to match it all. Phew. Trying to keep up with them, and positively manage their behaviors so we all don't end up in a weepy pile at the end of the day is a full-time job.

Speaking of full-time jobs - M returned to work. Luckily two weeks in it doesn't feel as awful as I had imagined it to be. I am savoring the opportunity to take some Paid Family Leave with our little one and am giddy with the opportunity to have a few days where it is just the two of us. Me and one baby. WHAT?!? One baby - it's crazy. For me - I am relishing in the freedom and appreciating the decadence of pouring my energy into that one being and loving on her as much as possible in the sweetness of the moment. That being said - M going back to work has been a transition for us all. It takes military grade planning and precision to get us all dressed, prepared and out the door in time to make it to our appropriate places of education, employment and development. But slowly, each day we find our way through getting more confidence and more accustomed to this, our new normal.

With this new normal, I am trying to bring more appreciation and gratitude. So Happy Thanksgiving everyone - enjoy the season and all the loved ones around.