Happy news!
As of this morning we have ONE happy healthy heart beat! The wee one is measuring 8w2d with a heartrate of 154bpm. All looked good and the edd is currently 6/29/10.

Phew!

The Waiting Place

This time around -

When I was carrying the first few weeks felt like a whirlwind of activity. I was exhausted, I was adjusting to this new feeling. But this time I wish it felt like I was doing...something.

This time, Dr. Seuss seems to be my guide. "Oh the places you will go" have guided me along my life's path, and today I feel like I am sitting in the waiting place.

Waiting for a bus to come or a train to go
for a brain to form and arm buds to grow
waiting for time to pass a belly to expand
the doctor to validate that we have officially entered this land.

I could keep going, but for now I am just waiting...

I am trying to hold off. Waiting to make lists and start the planning process. Waiting to tell the world, and waiting to figure out what our next steps need to be.

Our first doctor's appointment is Thursday. 8am is the ultrasound and then 3pm we see the midwife.

I think the main anxiety at this point - the joke that everyone keeps throwing at us - what if it is twins again? Now I know many would consider this presumptuous of me, there are many just wanting a baby. But see, we had always planed on two pregnancies. But I think we just assumed that there would be two babies resulting from two pregnancies. While life has already changed those outcomes, and there would be no reason for us to expect twins again. The reality is there was no reason for us to expect twins the first time. So while everyone means their comments in jest, it is weighing heavy on me.

I am ready to stop waiting and see one, healthy heartbeat on Thursday.

8th grade math flashbacks

You decide to buy a two bedroom house. You then have two adults and two children living in said house. You decide to add one more baby - where would this child sleep?

OR

here is the real question -

In all my readings prior to conception I was under the assumption that doing an IUI in the doctor's office did not increase one's chance to conceive twins. Then last night a friend of mine mentioned she had read somewhere that this was not necessarily true.

Does anyone have any information on this? I'm searching Dr.Google but can't find any conclusive information.

Circle Game

"And the seasons they go round and round and the painted ponies go up and down. We're captives on a carousel of time. We can't return, we can only look behind from where we came and go round and round and round on the circle game."

Life works in funny ways. Why does it always seem that while you are preparing to welcome a new life into your heart, one then leaves. Up until last week M was one of the few people I know, of our age, that still had all of her grandparents. Then recently M lost her paternal grandmother. She was 93 and lost a quick battle with cancer. Then her maternal grandfather was just recently put into hospice for cancer as well.

It's not fair- with all of these pregnancy hormones raging through her body - she is certainly having a rough time with it all.

signs of the times

how do I know that M is pregnant.... let me count the ways
- She is a total space cadette these days
- Ah food, there are moments she eats her weight, and those moments where nothing. sounds. good. at all.
- the exhaustion. each day she makes big plans to tackle some project around the house, and each night once the kids are in bed, she collapses on the couch.
- nausea - it has only just begun but not looking forward to that really coming full-tilt.

the times, they are a'changing...

confession

I am a bit of a control freak.

phew - there i said it.

while from the beginning of us talking about another pregnancy I was in awe that M was interested in being the 'bio-mom'. the one that got pregnant. I was i awe of this woman that was able to cross the lines of so many sterotypes. Really, she fits many of the traditional q.ueer labels:

truck: check
PE teacher: Check
Soccer player: check

I know these are just gross generalizations but if you met her - no one anticipates that she would be the one getting pregnant any time soon.

I am in awe of her ability and desire to challenge these sterotypes, both in society and those that she has created for herself. She crosses all boundaries and never ceases to amaze me.

For me, I've always seen myself getting pregnant. I loved my pregnancy. And all of our conversations revolved around me carrying any children we might have. Having to walk in these new shoes - of being the role of supporter rather than the alternative is going to be tough for me. I have been spending lots of time thinking about the uniqueness of role 'mom'. I know I will love this baby. I just wonder how it will be different (if at all) not having this little one come from me. I am going to have to brush up on my caretaking skills.

For all of you out there- how did you handle manage this?

as time flies by

well where have I been? riding the wave of the first winter colds as they make their way through the house. bickering with M about the reality of really being able to make a baby #3 happen financially, finally deciding to inseminate back on October 4&5 and then waiting.

and waiting - and feeling very shut out by M. she decided that her tactic in dealing with this cycle was just to ignore it. ingore everything - just try and not think about it. sounds like a good plan as I sit down and try and write it out, the only problem with it, is being the one on the other side. It was a tough few weeks waiting, and feeling like a bit of an outsider.

then - we got this.


well i guess the answer is here. (yes, it says pregnancy - it's incredibly blurry - sorry)

Luckily we had already schedule a couples retreat away for this past weekend. Honestly, it could not have come at a better time. It gave us a safe time, and the necessary time to speak truly about our feelings about everything. We are both over the moon excited about this new little being coming into our lives - and just trying to deal with the anxieties about all of the logistics.

So I guess we will now be truly riding this wave. And I am hopeful if we make it through all of this together, we are going to be so much stronger individually. But it is already tough being the one on the other side. And M - she is going to have to find some way to deal with all of the attention that the next 9 months are going to bring.